‘Fetch me the ochre’

Taking his cue from fauxborigine Bruce Pascoe, reader Frank Pledge shares the pride he felt on becoming an Aborigine:

At the next census, please tick the box that says you are an Aboriginal indigenous first nations native of this once great country. This request is prompted by my recent experience filling out a medical form when I was referred to see a specialist. One section asked:

“Are you an Aboriginal or Torres Strait Islander?”

I thought about, then ticked ‘Yes’. The receptionist knew I have no Aboriginal DNA, but did not bat an eye as she said: “There will be no charge for your consultation.” I shook my head and she smiled.

If Bruce Pascoe can grow rich and famous by daubing on the ochre and making up a tommyrot lineage, why not me? If Australia can accept a Sudanese man with 25 criminal convictions (including  rape, assault and armed robbery) because he ‘feels Aboriginal’, then I ‘feel’ I am every bit as worthy as him. I recommend that every Australian claim to be indigenous too.

I acknowledge and welcome to modern Australia my mythical ancestors. They managed to survive without inventing the wheel, medicine, pottery, writing, weaving, agriculture, animal husbandry, commerce (money) or stone buildings while devoting 60,000 years to perfecting ‘the world’s oldest continuous culture’. You invaders just never gave us enough time.

I recognise the benefits provided to all Australians by science, philosophy, engineering, British law, fossil fuels, agriculture and the inspiration of Renaissance thinking. Now I demand my share! (Bank account details to follow, plus an accounting of how much you owe me.)

I respect those of our political leaders, past and present and irrespective of their race or origin, for providing all modern Australians with tremendous lifestyle advantages through innovations in science, mining, agriculture, manufacturing, technology, medicine, literature and education.

Now, in the noble cause of diversity, equity and inclusion, I demand those Australians reluctant to assert their notional indigeneity begin immediately  transferring ever more of Australia’s wealth and real estate to claimants like me.

I hate to be picky, but I ask that you please pay me in gold. The way the country is going, your WMDs — white man’s dollars — don’t strike me as stable long-term propositions.