Kevin saves the whales

Kevin Rudd’s Statement to the Press re the Recent Incident on Ashmore Reef. 

There has been a dramatic increase of Whale Beaching on Australia’s northern shores. Experts believe the whales are escaping from a tyranny of white whales who are the descendants of Moby Dick. These white whales are hoarding all the plankton, forcing indigenous whales into poverty and starvation. Destroyers have been sent out to hunt the white whales but they have so far been unsuccessful in locating them. Bombing has commenced. The United Nations declaration on the Human Rights of Indigenous Whales (UNDHRIW) states ‘that indigenous whales must not be allowed to die’. We celebrate the sanctity of life and will not allow anything to die. Humans are not allowed to die, and neither will whales. Beached whales on Australian shores will be returned to the deep after being fed on a diet of cloned plankton in protected enclosures for as long as is necessary. We will find the white whales and they will be destroyed. Indigenous whales will be free to practice their tribal culture in any way they please without the tyranny that Herman Melville failed to prevent. I repeat, whales will not be allowed to die on Australian shores. 

I’ll take just one question. 

ABC reporter Tim Shorney: 

Prime Minister, experts are claiming that the whales are deliberately beaching themselves on Australian shores believing that they will get free plankton and live forever? 

Prime Minister Kevin Rudd: 

That is utter nonsense. Whales can’t think! Do you believe that whales plan to beach themselves on Australian shores for the free plankton and managed enclosures? No. Whales beach themselves on Australian shores because humankind has created white whales who terrorize them. It is a known fact that Herman Melville created the first white whale – Moby Dick, and it is this intervention in the natural cycle by man that has proliferated and produced the current situation. We are determined to return these refugees to their home seas. We will root out these non indigenous white whales and thereby put a stop to the Whale Beaching epidemic on Australian shores.