R.J. Conlon: ‘I’m Not Bitter’

I’m Not Bitter

This is the piece that should have won. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not putting down the winner. The winner was worthy in a nice friendly way. It amazes me how the winner was able to express mediocrity with reinvigorated clichés; they were vibrant clichés; a burst of psychedelic colours just before the washing powder box appeared and the TV ad came to an end. That pretty much sums up their writing.

I’m not putting them or their writing down. I would never say their writing belongs on a supermarket shelf mixed in with the no-name brands, although I have heard it bandied about. Someone did pull me aside, just out of sight, for that quiet word and they said to me they couldn’t remember what the winner wrote or read. It was at that moment I choked on my coca cola spraying it out of my nose and I didn’t proceed to say that every time the winner comes off stage after reading, the first thing people ask the writer is, “When are you getting up to read?”

Alright, I did say that, but it was taken out of context. I really believe the winner deserved to win and I will not consider those heinous aspersions that half the judging panel were secretly related to the winner. And I will not repeat those vicious rumours that the winner had kidnapped the children and loved ones of the other half of the judging panel and blackmailed them to vote a certain way. I refute that!

I fully endorse the judges’ decision. It was the only result they were allowed to come to. I don’t mean that in a bad way and I’m not bitter even though everybody knows this was the piece that should have won.

R.J. Conlon