Joe Dolce: Four Poems

The Rime Of The Ancient Gooney Bird

The fish were here, the fish were there,
The fish were all about:
Our hunger growled, and churned and howled,
But fish we had caught nought!
At length I saw a Gooney Bird,                                  5
Fly o’er the foggy rip,
As though it were a Columbidae;
We lured it with a chip.
A good South Wind rung up like rhyme;
The Gooney Bird did dance,                                      10
And every day, for potato cakes,
Came down as in a trance!
One day it swallowed a fag-butt whole,
Lodged sideways in its throat,
The bird spun round delirious                                   15
And fell dead on the boat!
We plucked all day and boiled all night,
Tight-lipped without a word.
“God save my auntie’s marinade!”
The fowl was tough as curd.                                        20
Its thigh was stubborn as a boot,
The flavour quite absurd,
But with a side of chips and sauce,
We ate that GOONEY BIRD.

commentary:

The land of water, and

of fearful hunger,

where no swimming

creature was to be hooked

or crooked.

A great sea-fowl, called the

Gooney Bird, comes through

the fog, lured by the sailors.

The Gooney Bird returneth

regularly for a daily snack.

The Gooney Bird chokes on a

cast off rollie, mistaken for a

morsel.

The hungry crew endeavour to

prepare the stubborn fowl for

tea.

The sailors reluctantly,

eat the foul fowl, using

available shipboard

condiments, and thus, are

saved.

War and Peace Senryu
for Myron Lysenko

That bastard Pierre.
Pierre marries Natasha.
(Tolstoy drinks vodka.)

Joe Dolce

Masturbari

Egyptian God Atun created the universe by masturbating to ejaculation
the ebb and flow of the Nile attributed to the frequency of his orgasms
Pharaohs henceforth paid tribute ceremoniously spilling seed into the riverwater
ancient Greeks called female self-touching anaphlam up-fire
Sixteenth century onanism was commonly practiced
by nannies to put young male wards to sleep
Tissot in the Eighteenth argued semen an essential oil
when lost from the body reduced memory blurred vision caused gout
disturbance of appetite and weak mindedness his theories adopted by Voltaire
and Kant—who considered masturbari a violation of moral law—
contributed to its consideration over the next two centuries
as mental illness by medicine self-pollution sin and vice by religion
resulting in chastity belts straight jackets cauterization often surgical excision of genitals
Victorian schoolboys were advised to have pants
constructed so private parts could not be touched through pockets
schoolgirls arranged at special desks to discourage crossing legs
forbidden the riding of horses or bicycles to prevent sensations
physicians supplied Strengthening Tinctures and Prolific Powders
bland meatless diets were promoted by Dr John Kellogg
inventor of corn flakes
the Reverend Sylvester Graham inventor of the Cracker
turn-of-the-century seamstresses discovered
sitting near the edge of the treadle seat delivered rewards
the Scout Association who in 1914 advised boys to run away from temptations
recanted in 1930 considering it a natural act and abstinence an error
in recent times the UK National Health Service slogan:
An Orgasm a Day Keeps the Doctor Away encouraged teens to practice once daily
to stem youth pregnancy the Spanish region of Extremadura
distributed leaflets: Pleasure is in Your Hands
current theory shows regular activity lowers probability of prostate cancer
reduces coronary heart disease in males over fifty improves sperm motility and health
if practiced by women before coitus increases fertility relieves depression
leads to higher self-esteem increased relaxation and better sleep
sperm banks in the US are known as masturbatoriums.
                                                      Joe Dolce

Reconciliation Haiku

Ugly words were said.
Words that had no business in
the mouths of lovers.
Of course I was right,
but the smug way I was right
was completely wrong.
I’m sorry I said
words of any weight or length.
Silence was required.
Joe Dolce