You, too, Can Sleep with Daniel Andrews


Can’t think what to give rellos for Christmas? Here’s your answer, ladies (and some gents): a Comforter throw-quilt with a mosaic of  portraits of Victorian Premier Dan Andrews in his favorite North Face jacket. The artwork is labelled with his reasonable view of us plebs, ‘I’m not angry, I’m just disappointed’.

Woke artist Ashley Ellis at Sunshine West, “inspired by everything around” has also done “vivid, full color portraits” of Health Minister Jenny Mikakos and Chief Health Officer and heart-throb Brett Sutton.

If your Dan Andrews comforter gets soiled, don’t worry, it’s “machine washable. Pillows and shams not included,” says her ad on redbubble.com (not to be confused with redtube.com under any circumstances!). And keenly priced at $168.03. Quadrant blokes might go for a Throw Blanket with its mosaic of Jenny Mikakos, or a tote bag with Mikakos portrait  (left) for your next solo shopping trip to Woollies under Lockdown Stage 4. (Bodyguard not included).

Victoria’s Chicom-flu adviser Brett Sutton is popular on Ashley’s mugs and phone covers. As she wrote, “My first order of Bretty things just arrived from Redbubble! I could not be more thrilled with the quality of this art board print. I have also heard that mugs have started arriving which just makes me impossibly happy!”

One fan wrote:

Everyone’s favourite Chief Health Officer (and dirty little secret #covidcrush) Professor Brett Sutton. That chin dimple! That jawline! That soothing voice! What a gosh-darn silver fox!

Naturally I sought via email a prank interview with artist Ashley, but she wasn’t born yesterday and replied asking what sort of a publication Quadrant was. I explained that it was a brainy supporter of progressive causes but still heard nothing back.

Good on Ashley for running a creative small business through her art. Inspired, I tried doing an art portrait of myself, using my Quadrant photo, and got the result at right. The process involved an onerous  three-minute googling of iPad-art software and five-second conversion of my photo to David Hockney or Francis Bacon mode (the modern one).

It’s a cinch now for me to go commercial with it. A Tony Thomas comforter or throw blanket for the ladies, or  Tony Thomas laptop skins for blokes. All I do is send the pic to redbubble.com (a Melbourne-based global group, market cap close to $1b) and they’ll brand about 60 items and get third-party suppliers to manage my e-shop. Since the depth of the ChiCom virus, Redbubble shares have soared 450% to $3.50 so it’s happiness all round, except among Australia’s non-government workers and businesses.

The Dan Andrews’ Tribute business has become crowded. I’ve counted 46 different Dan Andrews’ Comforters for sale to Victoria’s woke through at least three woke artists.

There are two types of humans in Victoria: homo sapiens and Dan Andrews supporters. The latter are likely to re-elect Dandemic Dan and his bevy of branch-stackers, union satraps, tax-squanderers[i] and idiots in 2022. As another Victorian, the pseudononymous Tom Collins (real name Joseph Furphy) put it more than a century ago, “Such is life.”

Tony Thomas’s new book, Come to think of it – essays to tickle the brain, is available as book ($34.95) or e-book ($14.95) here.

[i] On election in 2015, Premier Dan ditched the East-West tunnel project to oblige greenies, and paid the contractors $1.1 billion compensation.

9 thoughts on “You, too, Can Sleep with Daniel Andrews

  • sfw says:

    He didn’t ditch the tunnel for the greenies, it was really to pay off the CFMEU, it seems the contracts for the project were written in such manner that the major unions were effectively sidelined and that was something they didn’t want. That’s why when he took power the unions wanted a big union project and the Westgate tunnel was born, or so I’ve been told.

  • Stephen Due says:

    Tom Collins also penned one of the wokest and most quotable opening sentences in the history of the novel as an art form, and certainly the most appropriate in the Disaster State today, namely:
    “Unemployed at last!”.

  • Tony Tea says:

    Ah, North Face. The apparel of choice for people who cannot climb over their couch.

  • pgang says:

    That article linked in the ‘State of disaster’ Essential Reading sidebar sums it up beautifully:

    ‘The rest of the world can catch this disease, but Australia would use its geographical isolation and political intelligence to ban the virus. The virus will be in awe and know to stay away forever.’

  • Doubting Thomas says:

    I think it speaks volumes about Andrews’ contempt for his audience and, hence, his people that he very deliberately refuses to dress appropriately for his press conferences.

    Perhaps he is worried that if he were to wear a suit and tie, his CFMEU mates might think less of him. But it’s not they who he has to persuade to vote for him, but those of us who tend to respect those who respect themselves.

    Of course, it may just be that he’s concerned that if he exercised a modicum of self-discipline, he might feel obliged to tell the truth, and he could not have that occur.

  • pgang says:

    There’s no way a company that prints mugs in Melbourne could realistically be valued at a cool billion. Something fishy going on there.

  • Tony Thomas says:

    It’s ok, pgang, they’ve got a vast global user base. Pretty clever business model, everyone else does the work, they just coordinate from on-high

  • Elizabeth Beare says:

    Sleeping with Dan Andrews?! Covered with his ‘comforter’. Erk. Who does this? No-one sane.

  • Alice Thermopolis says:

    Dear Ms Ellis
    Please do a Comforter throw-quilt with a mosaic of Palmersaurus rex soon.
    It would be very popular in the West.
    Just a thought.
    Thank you
    Fortress WA (we hope…)

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