The Mark and Malcolm Show

MALCOLM: Mark, sorry to bother you but, well, last night…

MARK: Yes. Yes, I know…

MALCOLM: I’ll have to say something, you know I will…

MARK: Defend our right to do as we please? Yes, we’d appreciate that. It’s been a very trying day. I’ve a new planet-friendly toilet being installed in my office en suite and the gold-leaf man just can’t get the laurels pattern quite correct. I’ve hardly had time to tweet!

MALCOLM: I’ll send my gilder over — he’ll fix things in a jiffy, but that’s not why I called. It’s about that business at the end of Q&A.

MARK: Well he came straight out of the Western Desert, so our producers weren’t to know that banging boomerangs really doesn’t mesh that well with a chubby falsetto of undetermined national origin and gender squeaking about how good it is to love your sister.

MALCOLM: Quite understood, but again, that’s not the reason…

MARK: The American author with green hair we picked up at the airport before the show, the one who has already noticed that Australia is a land of galloping injustice and inequality?

MALCOLM: No, she was fine too, and so was Big Squeaky. It was the bloke with the beard we need to discuss

a prolonged silence

MARK: Oh, you noticed.

MALCOLM: Of course I noticed! I’ve had backbenchers chewing my ear all day, and now Abbott is talking about banning ministers from appearing on the ABC.

MARK: Well, that’s OK, no problem. You’re the only minister we like, and I’m sure you won’t be paying that silly PM any more heed than usual

MALCOLM: No, this time it really is serious…

MARK: but, but, but..

MALCOLM: but nothing! You’re going to have to say there was an error of judgement, express some regrets, do the po-face routine that foils ’em every time at Estimates…

MARK: But I could say ‘multiculturalism’…

MALCOM: No!

MARK: Or ‘Islamophobia’…

MALCOLM: No! What you are going to say is ‘we messed up’ — and I will have to look very stern in Question Time and expresses grave concerns for studio security…

MARK: But that’s ridiculous…

MALCOLM: Of course it’s ridiculous, but it is still better than seeing a fuss over the fact that your lot invited a convicted terror suspect onto the show in order to sandbag the Liberal, and that your guest ended up serving as a recruiting sergeant for ISIS.

MARK: So, should we be worried? It’s not as if they’re going to move you and put Abetz on our case, surely not!

MALCOLM: It would serve you right to have Eric Abetz crawling into every fetid little corner, the grief you’ve caused me. But I’m staying put, so don’t fret. What I am going to do is announce an investigation…

MARK: (panic) An investigation! Conducted by who?

MALCOLM: Why, your very own ABC will be investigating itself, my dear Mark! Isn’t that the way it always works. Just remember to look a little, I don’t know, shaken. Yes, shaken will do nicely

MARK: You can count on us. We’ll start investigating ourselves straight away and have the carefully nuanced, judicially weighted report on your desk by, say, March. Would March do?

MALCOLM: That will be fine. Now, when would you like my gilder to stop by. He’s doing our gullytrap tomorrow, but should be free after that ….

— Bill Wyndham

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