Australia and the world very nearly lost Tim Blair earlier this year, when he was airlifted to hospital after a most inconvenient heart attack. Under orders to take it easy, our Sweetness & Light columnist didn’t quibble with his doctors, and thus did Quadrant’s March edition go to press Blair-free. Fortunately, we had a still-paywalled column from November which we present today. — rf
It has come to my attention that you lot are not obeying the rules. This is most unfortunate, because our leftist superiors have taken a great deal of trouble to compose and codify these rules, and it simply won’t do to have various independent-minded free-thinkers ignoring or breaking them.
It is basic good manners to avoid upsetting our societal betters, who are—you will have noticed—somewhat sensitive to even mild criticism, much less outright defiance. Therefore, in the interest of general cultural harmony, the rules will be listed here so that we can all commit them to memory and behave thereafter in a dutifully compliant manner.
Conservatives Cause Everything Bad.
Scott Morrison obviously caused the 2019-20 bushfires. He then compounded his wickedness by fleeing the scene for a Hawaiian holiday rather than hanging around looking compassionate, or whatever pointless posing leftists required.
It was quite the effort by Morrison, who—judging by protest signs waved by schoolgirl climate activists throughout prior months—had laid the groundwork for the fires by causing climate change. Set aside the fact that green regulations forbidding preventive burn-offs had created a dangerous accumulation of bushfire fuel; those blazes were all the doing of Morrison and his conservative henchmen.
Remember Hurricane Katrina? It was George W. Bush’s fault. The Republican US President wrathfully smashed New Orleans—a majority black city, of course—due to racism. Under the rules, one must ignore the deadly pre- and post-hurricane incompetence displayed by the city’s Democrat leadership. When a disaster strikes, leftist blame radar seeks only conservative targets.
This is why, when Hurricane Ian hit Florida in September, blame fell not upon Democrat President Joe Biden but on Florida’s Republican governor Ron DeSantis. Sadly for leftist media, DeSantis’s handling of the hurricane’s aftermath was exemplary. So they didn’t write about it.
Every Conservative is Worse than Previous Conservatives.
DeSantis is a likely Republican candidate for the presidency in 2024, which demands that he be portrayed as the most evil conservative yet—even more demonic than Donald Trump. A New York Times opinion piece in September got the ball rolling on this particular project.
Ron DeSantis, it declared, “may be a more competent Trump in terms of his ability to use the levers of state to amass power, but he’s also meaner and more rigid, without the soft edges and eccentricity of the actual Donald Trump”.
This follows an established pattern. Trump was depicted as worse than Bush—intriguingly so from a leftist perspective, seeing as Bush took the US to war while Trump did not. But none of that matters to any great extent. Conservative badness is not determined by any specific acts. It is determined by sequence.
At present, Peter Dutton has not been targeted as a “worse than” Liberal leader. But we are probably only months away and a slight polling climb for Dutton to be denounced as worse than Morrison, who was worse than Tony Abbott who was worse than John Howard.
You’ll observe that Malcolm Turnbull escaped any “worse than” demolition by the Left. That’s because he wasn’t a conservative, obviously.
Renewable Energy is Better and Cheaper than Any Fossil Fuel Alternatives.
This is believed to be true even in the face of solid evidence to the contrary. One advantage held by promoters of renewables: under the rules, they are permitted to include in their analysis technologies that currently do not exist.
It is difficult for those championing fossil fuels to compete with magic, but that’s the way of things. We don’t get to talk about some imagined future paradise where power is miraculously inexpensive and clean. They, however, do. Please play along. Don’t make a scene.
The Words ‘Chernobyl’, ‘Three Mile Island’ and ‘Fukushima’ Automatically End All Debate about Nuclear Power.
For leftists, those three nuclear incidents stand as eternal testament to the destructive lunacy of nuclear power. Were such a horror ever to be inflicted on Australia, we would surely be reduced to radioactive husks.
It matters not that the total official nuclear-related deaths from those incidents is just thirty-two—which, to provide some context, is equal to the average number of people murdered in Chicago every sixteen days this year.
It’s also eight fewer than the forty or so people who die every two years or so in Australia due to horse-riding accidents. We’ll be waiting a long time for an Anthony Albanese zinger on the dangers of equine transport, but he’s armed and ready when it comes to nuclear energy.
“The shadow minister is looking at the nuclear option,” the Prime Minister recently sneered in parliament. “No one likes a reactor like a reactionary.”
That line doesn’t make any sense—pro-nuclear Bob Hawke wasn’t a reactionary—but Albanese has already used it at least twice. If he really wants to rouse leftist forces against nuclear, stand by for the deployment of Chernobyl, Three Mile Island and Fukushima. They work on simple people every single time.
Masks Work and So Do Vaccines.
Victorians, especially, discovered what happens when these evident truths were questioned. Heads met concrete and hands met handcuffs. Even now, as studies reveal flaws in masking and containment strategies and Victorian Premier Dan Andrews announces the end of Covid, the prevailing mood among our leftist standard-enforcers is resolutely pro-mask and pro-jab.
Just for fun, I like to mention in various social settings that, of my friends, the two who suffered the least debilitating Covid symptoms were completely unvaccinated. Reactions to this are fascinating.
Well, I say it’s fun. It won’t be so when some Karen has me charged with anti-vaccine mind crimes.
Removing Body Parts is Stunning and Brave.
This is a tricky one. You’ll only be regarded as heroic if certain body parts are removed—male genitals, for example, or female breasts. If these are surgically lopped, please feel free to hail your own stunning bravery. Everybody else will join in, too.
But, as more than a few commentators have observed, don’t go getting your nose, thumbs, ears or toes removed. That would just be crazy. What sort of person would do such things, even if they happen to identify as noseless, thumbless, earless or toeless?
These are the rules. Your compliance is welcomed.
Even the lowliest and most venal occupations occasionally allow for the expression of pure human goodness. Journalists, for example, sometimes achieve something worthwhile. So, remarkably, do parking inspectors.
A friend’s car, a little Subaru, was recently stolen. This was reported to police, who didn’t hold much hope for its recovery. So my friend filled out all the required insurance paperwork and went on with her life.
Being a lawyer, this involved visiting Melbourne’s legal precinct—where one day she happened to find her stolen car. As it happened, the vehicle was receiving a parking ticket at the time. My friend explained the situation to the parking inspector, who quickly came up with a plan.
You go and find a cop, he said. Meanwhile, I’ll wait here and stall the thief should he return.
It’s a fine plan, you must admit. But finding a cop wasn’t easy. My friend walked for several blocks before one was located. Again, the situation was explained and the pair set about returning to the car.
The thief, it emerged, had turned up some time earlier. And the parkie, true to his word, stalled him for all he was worth. He explained in needless detail the reason the vehicle had been ticketed. He spelled out, slowly and methodically, the fellow’s options should he wish to contest the penalty. He faked running out of ink in his pen.
During all of this, the thief became more and more agitated. He repeatedly asked to be given the ticket so he could be on his way. But the parkie was determined. Still waiting for the owner and a police officer to appear, he pretended to have written down the wrong registration, forcing him to begin the ticketing process all over again.
By the time the owner and cop finally showed up, the parkie was probably showing pictures of his house renovations and latest family holiday. He’d dragged out the process for a good twenty minutes, at least. And it worked. By stalling the increasingly exasperated and confused thief, the parkie enabled his arrest.
Once that process was under way, our hero did not wait for any acknowledgment beyond simple and genuine gratitude. He did not bask in the glory of his moment. Rather, he modestly accepted the car owner’s thanks and went back to work, issuing parking penalties along William Street.
Please think of this chap the next time you encounter a parkie placing a ticket on your car. The man you may be inclined to abuse could be the very same one who so expertly brought a thief to justice.
As for that thief, the reasons for his banditry and choice of parking location were revealed in his subsequent hearing. He’d stolen the car and taken it to the legal district in order to make a bail appearance.