Life in Danigrad

From Danigrad on the Yarra, a long-suffering resident writes:

On Monday (May 11), Victorian Premier Dan Andrews, out of the kindness of his heart granted Victorians a fifth permission to walk out their front doors. This being phase one of a three-phase roadmap to achieve a COVID-safe Australia. Hallelujah! Visiting friends and family is no longer an illegal activity, with a few strings attached of course.

Having banned us from seeing mums on Mothers Day, the very next day he changed the rules to allow such visits. Why couldn’t he have brought the amended rule forward by 24 hours? The simple answer: because Victoria isn’t about Victorians anymore. These days Victoria is but the stage on which Premier Andrews struts, no doubt appreciating how the Wuhan “emergency” eclipses attention that might otherwise by devoted to Victoria Police using a lawyer as an informer against her clients, the recent junk jurisprudence of the state’s Court of Appeal and the billions of dollars wasted, first on one tunnel and now a second.

The state government has decided that five is the perfect limit for guests in our homes. Any more than that and our RSVPs will need to take turns waiting outside (just make sure they look like they’re exercising). Also, they can only be friends and family because “they’re the groups that mean most to us”. Thanks for that insight, Dan. I guess COVID-19 isolation has taken its toll to the point where Victorians needed you to remind them.

Most Victorians now don’t blink twice when Dan releases a statement like this. It’s become the norm, as if we’ve accepted the status of robots and Dan is our programmer. He’s written a script dubbed ‘Phase 1’ that executes at 11:59pm tonight (May 12) and all our behaviours are allowed to change accordingly. Once again, all these rules are completely arbitrary, as is the time when they come into effect.

Other edicts include allowing groups of ten to engage in outdoor activities, the same number permitted to attend auctions. Such is Dear Leader Dan’s beneficence, he has deigned to indulge 20 mourners at indoor funerals. Bad luck for those whose loved ones couldn’t linger past last week, when they were being sent to their graves with only ten permitted to be in attendance.

He has also stressed “commonsense rules” still apply, which we can take to mean the Premier’s revenue service, aka VicPol, will still be dishing out $1652 fines like hotcakes. People should keep in mind that “non-essential services” are still banned, the irony being that state government officials break this rule every day when they turn up to work.