In a sensational discovery, found in a floating filing cabinet off the coast of Tuvalu, there is now an indication that the agents of the government of North Korea were responsible for the absence of any significant rise in global temperature since the late 1990s.
The document discovered in the filing cabinet was an unpublished paper by a little known Professor Wilbur York, a Visiting Fellow at the Institute of Calamities. Little is known about this institute. It was originally endowed by Sir Wayward Brainstorm, a distinguished British psychologist who is thought to have made his fortune while working at the University of Western Australia. There is no trace of the buildings that housed the institute and it is believed rising sea levels have washed the buildings away.
Professor York, while studying the nuclear activities of the North Koreans, was handed a document by a defector indicating that, as a trial run at the Yongbyon Nuclear Scientific Research Centre, a program of enriching mercury with its heaviest isotopes had been conducted before starting uranium enrichment. This program was the result of an inspired insight by the Korean Dear Leader that heavier mercury would have a lower thermal expansion coefficient than the mercury then used in thermometers. Thus thermometers calibrated to read temperatures with ordinary mercury would report lower temperatures when filled with heavy mercury. When the mercury enrichment programme was complete, a second phase commenced producing thermometers identical to those used in all the major meteorological stations but loaded with heavy mercury. Meanwhile, a team of special agents was schooled to play the parts of “climate scientists”, subsequently dispatched to all corners of the globe to replace thermometers with the heavy mercury thermometer.
It is clear, looking at the reported global temperatures, that it took some three or four years for their complete replacement. However, it is now widely acknowledged that the temperature appears to have stabilised, with a statistically insignificant rise.
The big question: Why did the North Koreans go to so much trouble?
One can only speculate that it may have been a desire to provoke political uncertainty amongst its enemies, thus distracting them from following too closely North Korean nuclear ambitions.
On the other hand, it may have been a desire to show the foolish actions of the US government and its President over climate change. After all, the increasing level of atmospheric CO2 with stable global temperature, showed that US climate scientists were as bad at making predictions as the Quants of Wall Street and might even create an even bigger financial mess.