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December 24th 2008 print

Michael Connor

The ASIO tapes – Kevin Rudd

Kevin Rudd is the CEO of Titanic Inc. This confidential Report points to the source for his internationally acclaimed linguistic excellence and gives examples of his uncanny ability to descend to the level of his audience.

SUBJECT: Kevin Rudd is the CEO of Titanic Inc. Operatives have previously noted his chameleon like ability to adapt his rhetoric to the level of his audience. During the late 1960s he was a model pupil at Miss Abanathy’s Theatre School for Whining Wannabes. At the time the Brisbane franchise of the school was owned by Amanda Thistlewaite – a doped out indigenous hippie previously employed as social editor of the Courier-Mail. Mr Rudd’s stunning linguistic abilities have been attributed to Ms Thistlewaite’s early training.

REPORT FROM MEDIA SOURCE (EXTRACT):

During a Christmas visit to company employees in Afghanistan he was noted using “Two s–ts, a bugger and a bloody. He also dropped his g’s and lowered his language level generally.”

ASIO SURVEILLANCE TAPES (EXTRACTS):

Rudd at a New York night club: “Bugger that for a joke, we’re in.”

Rudd at an international global warming summit: “genuinely shit weather like this.”

Rudd speaking to President-Elect Obama: “You really know your shit.”

Rudd at the same New York night club: “You guys are bloody good.”

Editorial note: The language is accurate but the locations, due to a mix-up in the transcription room after the box of tapes was dropped during the Christmas party, may be inaccurate but pretty damn close.