Ukraine: Where News Goes to Die

War is hell, and truth doesn’t stand a snowball’s chance. With all stories of violence and bloodshed coming out of eastern Europe, readers might be forgiven for missing the news that Ukraine’s defender of democracy and champion of freedom Volodymyr Zelensky suspended 11 opposition political parties over the weekend. This comes just after he nationalised all broadcast media to enforce a “unified information policy” under martial law. Ukraine’s liberal president Volodymyr Zelensky is looking increasingly like Canada’s Liberal prime minister Justin Trudeau. As the war drags on, he is approaching the stature of New Zealand’s “single source of truth”, Jacinda Ardern. No wonder the global media loves him.

State media has at least one advantage over private media: it’s not paywalled. Well, unless it’s the ABC. Let’s hope for Ukraine’s sake that Zelensky’s state media also gets the news out more quickly than America’s private media. Just last week, the New York Times finally confirmed that Hunter Biden’s laptop actually was his and the e-mails revealing how he traded on his father’s influence actually were real. Then this week the Gray Lady verified Ashley Biden’s diary, which detailed disturbing aspects of her family’s home life. Both stories originally surfaced in October, 2020. Thank you, Rupert.

Truth will out—eventually. And what better time to out it than during a war, with wall-to-wall news coverage featuring images of death and destruction, and all the chat shows debating the risks (and benefits?) of provoking a nuclear exchange with the latter-day Adolf Hitler, Vladimir Putin. Anyway Hunter’s laptop had to be acknowledged sooner or later: Biden fils may soon be indicted on tax and foreign influence charges. And with the liberal establishment pushing to have Project Veritas indicted for “stealing” Ashley’s diary, it is getting increasingly difficult to maintain that it is a fabrication.

If there are any other dead bodies in the Democratic Party cupboard, now is the time to dump them.

In 2020, there was an election to win, and no one at the New York Times (or CNN, or MSNBC, or Twitter, or Facebook, or anywhere other than the New York Post) was going to let an October surprise swing the vote to Donald Trump. Wikipedia still won’t risk Trump winning the 2020 election. Even now, Hunter Biden’s Wikipedia page only mentions his laptop twice: as “a laptop purportedly belonging to Biden” and as the source of e-mails “that appeared to come from a laptop belonging to Biden”. The Wikipedia page that was created as “Hunter Biden Laptop Controversy” was at some point moved to “Biden-Ukraine conspiracy theory”—and there it remains.

Ashley Biden’s Wikipedia page doesn’t mention her diary—arguably the only thing that makes her noteworthy enough to merit a Wikipedia page at all. That just goes to show what you can accomplish if you hire the right Wikipedia disinformation consultants. They must be Russian.

Now that the world is finally at war with Russia, it’s should be OK to pin the blame where it really belongs. As “more than 50 former senior intelligence officials” told us just before the 2020 presidential election, “our view [is] that the Russians are involved in the Hunter Biden email issue”, despite the fact that “we want to emphasize that we do not know if the emails … are genuine or not and that we do not have evidence of Russian involvement”. Or to quote the former president himself: “Russia, Russia, Russia”. That must be why Trump didn’t close down the Ukrainian biolabs, where the United States is absolutely not conducting biological weapons research. Russia.

If Russia does capture those biological research laboratories (which are not conducting biological weapons research, despite the fact that they might—just might—still harbour Soviet-era biological weapons agents that absolutely must be destroyed before Vladimir Putin gets his hands on them, since Soviet-era agents would represent a great advance over anything that might be in Russia’s arsenal in 2022), the big question remains: what does Hunter have to do with all this? Of all the biolabs in all the countries in all the world, Putin walked into Hunter’s. Was Hunter really an American spy, infiltrating Burisma to expose corrupt Ukrainian prosecutors? Was Ukraine really developing biological weapons on behalf of Donald Trump? And is that an impeachable offense?

And most importantly, what exactly is Ashley’s connection to Ukraine? The answer may be found deep in her Wikipedia profile:

When Biden was in elementary school, she discovered that the cosmetics company Bonne Bell tested its products on animals. She wrote a letter to the company asking them to change their policy on animal testing. She later got involved in dolphin conservation, inspiring her father to work with Congresswoman Barbara Boxer to write and pass the 1990 Dolphin Protection Consumer Information Act. [The nine year old] Biden made an appearance before members of the United States Congress to lobby for the legislation.

Just one year later, Ukraine declared independence from the Soviet Union, enraging a young KGB officer in East Germany and putting the world on the path to war. What role did the 10-year-old Ashley Biden play in the breakup of the Soviet Union? Why has Ashley’s diary not yet been published in full? Why does Vladimir Putin hate dolphins? And is the entire Ukraine war a fabrication invented by Big Oil to distract us from the real emergency: climate change? Only one thing is certain: we’re all relieved to be talking about something other than coronavirus. But with Putin’s troops protected only by the uncertified Sputnik vaccine, his bioweapon vectors may already be on the ground in Ukraine.

Maybe that’s why he needs the biological research laboratories. It’s hard to say. Hunter’s not talking. CIA. Better ask Ashley. Or maybe … the dolphins? They’re supposed to be the smartest animals on Earth. And Vladimir Putin hates them. Dolphingate: look for it on Wikipedia in time for the November midterm elections. By then, we’ll all need something to distract us from the war in Taiwan. In the meantime, there’s always climate change. The next climate strike is this Friday—and the kids have been given off school (it’s the only way to get them to attend). It could be worse. Just be glad they’re not volunteering to fight in Ukraine.

Salvatore Babones is The Philistine.

15 thoughts on “Ukraine: Where News Goes to Die

  • ianl says:

    Full of mirth, Salvatore B 🙂

    I used to think that Americans couldn’t do English-level satire. Wrong, wrong, wrong … We have John Cleese, Eric Idle (on a good day), Rowan Atkinson and now Salvatore B.

  • Botswana O'Hooligan says:

    Thank you Sir. May one who lived and worked in that neck of the woods with a smidgeon of an idea mostly gained through a Russian born wife who along with many others of her kind, dislike President Vlad, opine that the best source of information on the present state of affairs would come from watching “bananas in pyjamas” on the ABC and mourn the passing of the ABC test pattern and time clock for additional factual info. Quite frankly, some of those TV clips are amazing, the lightly clad teenage girl giving a Russian soldier the finger taken on the West Bank in 2012 is one example, the Russian soldier with a full and scraggly beard another, for beards are banned in the Ruski military and always have been, other background scenes that don’t match up, so bananas in pyjamas is the “go” for this old bloke.

  • Sindri says:

    What an utterly trivial and vile little slur against Zelensky, implying that he is a hypocrite for taking measures against pro-Russian parties and imposing controls on national media. “Ukraine’s defender of democracy and champion of freedom”, sneers Mr Babones.
    Mr Babones “might be forgiven for missing the news” that Ukraine is fighting for its existence in a horrifying war of annihilation, where hundreds of thousands of people are being starved to death in just one city. It happens, Mr Babones, that when a nation is at war, it is obliged to take such measures.
    Zelensky has more courage than you can evidently conceive of. Nauseating.

  • Salvatore Babones says:

    Ian — I don’t think I can accept quite that level of praise, but if I really am that good … please do help me with my first screenwriting job!

    Botswana — The best is the “Russian” tank that ran over the Ukrainian car, which turned out to be a Ukrainian APC.

    Sindri — No slur, just humor … and yes, even in wartime we do need humor.

    Thanks all for reading! Salvatore

  • Sindri says:

    I don’t buy that. There’s nothing funny about sneering at the supposed democratic deficit of a courageous man who is literally keeping one step ahead of Putin’s assassins, or comparing him to Trudeau or Arden.

  • Occidental says:

    Sindri, seriously, you do have to find your funny bone.

  • Peter Marriott says:

    Thanks Salvatore, nice little satirical take on it all, especially Zelensky and the Biden clan, in my view.

  • bearops says:

    Sindri, take sides if you wish, that is your right. However just a little skepticism is surely more rational considering the relentless and orchestrated propaganda supporting Zelensky and demonising everything Russian.

  • Sindri says:

    Thanks Rod. Lots of wild, unsubstantiated assertion and crackpot nonsense. I persevered until I got to this bit:
    “Although alleged to be a Jew, the real faith of Zelensky and his associates is Satanism.”
    That’s not a “point of view”. That’s stupidity or malice, and probably both.
    Don’t be so credulous, mate.

  • Salvatore Babones says:

    Thanks Peter! And Sindri, sorry to disappoint. Salvatore

  • Elizabeth Beare says:

    Pretty good satire, Salvatore, and good for an even-handed laugh. The Bidens deserve it.
    Perhaps a little rough on Zelensky, who does actually have his life on the line.
    But in the fog of war, foghorns are everywhere. Satire makes us think about that.

  • rosross says:

    One thing is certain, truth dies long before wars start because it is necessary to pave the path to war with lies and the more gullible the public, the more easily it is done. The desire to have goodies and baddies is no doubt hardwired into many after a childhood playing Cowboys and Indians.

    There is little doubt that there are some nasty aspects to the Ukrainian society or that the democratically elected President who was sensibly pro-Russian, in the same way the Canadians and Mexicans are sensibly pro-American, was ousted in a CIA-backed coup. Which one presumes was the point when Putin began to make serious plans. As you would expect if he is as smart and as tactical as many global analysts believe him to be.

    It is not difficult to find the history and establish that nothing is happening which the Russians did not say would happen if the US and its Nato lackeys, sorry, allies, kept up their military creep.

    As former UN weapon’s inspector Scott Ritter says:

    Listen to what the Russians said: The Russians are not engaged in a battle of territorial acquisition; normally when you seek to occupy somebody you seek to seize territory, hold territory, the territory becomes important.

    Russia has two stated military objectives the first of which is denotification, that is to destroy the military units that are aligned with neo-nazi, ultra-nationalist political forces in Ukraine units like the Azov battalion units, like the Don battalion and others of that ilk; the Russians are seeking them out and destroying them on the field of battle as we speak.

    The second is demilitarization, that is Russia has recognized that the Ukrainian military is a de facto proxy of NATO it has been trained for you know the past seven years by U.S. forces–NATO forces at training facilities and Ukraine trading facilities out of Ukraine to to be interoperable with NATO, meaning that you can take a NATO trained battalion of Ukrainian soldiers,, unplug them from Ukraine, plug them into a NATO exercise in Germany, and they’ll function seamlessly. They have the same command and control the same training tactics, etc. Russia views this as a proxy of NATO and has said this must be dismantled.
    Russia gave the Ukrainian military the opportunity to do this peacefully: Stay in your barracks we’re gonna come in and we’re gonna get rid of all that NATO provided junk tha;t you were given. It’s actually pretty good equipment, but I mean that you know that’s the process of demilitarization–or you can seek to meet us on the field of battle and we’ll do it old school.

    Unfortunately for both sides the Ukrainians have chosen old school. Now what does old school mean: Let’s come back to what I said at the beginning: this isn’t the Iraqi military, this isn’t a military that stood up the United States in 1991 and got destroyed on the field of battle, annihilated, and then spent the next decade plus unable to reconstitute itself because of economic sanctions, and therefore went up against the world’s finest combined arms fighting force in 2003 with nothing, and still put up a pretty good fight, by the way.

    But my point is the Ukrainian military is the exact opposite. These are highly trained highly educated people who have been put through the road by their NATO trainers. You know there’s an interesting slide that the Department of Defense put out there it shows the the NATO training facility in western Ukraine that was bombed the other day, and it says we train up to five Ukrainian battalions a year to NATO standards.

    What Russia has maintained and what was pretty apparent was that this [Donbass] was a de facto NATO base inside Ukraine, which is technically not a member of NATO, so you’re talking about de facto NATOization being the main factor in this war,,,I mean for Russia. This war was predicated by NATO’s appetite for eastern expansion, the expansion eastward to include Ukraine.

    Ritter also makes the point that from what the military experts can deduce, Russia is working hard to avoid civilian casualties even at the risk and cost to their own soldiers. He sees this, in part, as emanating from the Russians and Ukrainians as brothers. He also makes the point that the Russians learned in Syria to avoid city fighting and this is also a part of their tactics in Ukraine.

    He has his own agenda of course and might read it wrong, as John Mearsheimer did thinking Putin would not invade, but gathering the views does help to provide perspective.


  • Adam J says:

    What would rosross say about Georgia?

  • Sindri says:

    Scott Ritter says that “Russia is working hard to avoid civilian casualties”. Really. All you need to know about Mr Ritter’s honesty. Oh, except of course that he’s is a convicted (and repeat) child sex offender. But I suppose to a Putin fanboy, that doesn’t matter.

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