The Horns of a Satanist’s Dilemma

hot stuffA group of Satanists gather at the appointed spot. “Our reputation is shot,” says one. The rest all glumly nod their heads in agreement.

“It’s not fair! We have our good points,” another of the group whines.

“Yes, but sacrificing virgins has not endeared us to Bible-bashers,” says a third.

“But, but, only some us of us do that and it’s not right that we all suffer,” one moderate, self-effacing Satanist is heard to say.

A bolder Satanist backs him up. “The problem is what’s in the Grand Grimoire. It plainly says that we have to cause mischief and do all manner of diabolically violent things to non-demonists. Some of us think that maybe the Grand Grimoire is out of date?”

Great consternation spreads throughout the gathering. There is much muttering and grinding of incisors.

“Stop!” The self-proclaimed leader of the group, a Satanist of reputation and learning, booms out his objection. “Lucifer’s very words! Old Nick’s very words; and ye doubt them? Ye think they’re time-bound, that the Prince of Darkness has gone out of date? Verily, I say to thee heretic and blasphemer, recant lest ye be denied many hymen-intact demonesses in Hades and suffer hot pokers thrust into bodily orifices.”

The accursed one collapses to the ground in fright and speaks no more aside from abjectly recanting. But another brave soul (if that’s the right description) puts his hand up for permission to speak. “We’ll hear you, brother,” the leader bellows, “but tread carefully lest ye too risk facing a devilishly fiery fate.”

“Of course, you are so right, exalted leader, His Satanic Majesty’s words are immutable; but, maybe, we can pretend to redact the less moderate words for a little while until we have more power over non-demonists then, abracadabra, out they can be brought again?”

“Lies and deception brother, I like it and I think Beelzebub, aka the Wicked and/or Evil One, will like it fine too.”

They all agree and disperse, happy as imps behaving, well, impishly.

Time passes. The Satanists gather again.

“They still don’t like us. I think it’s because some of us aren’t being moderate enough. There’s a crowd of us in the next town still sacrificing virgins and some who won’t stop openly quoting from the redacted parts of the Grand Grimoire and getting very fervent about it. They’re cursing non-demonists without restraint.”

They all turn to the exalted leader, the question being, “What shall we do?”

“The time of denial and complaining has arrived,” he says, grinning fiendishly. “We shall deny and complain loudly at every turn.”

“He’s not part of us, we shall say if pressed, when a Satanist quotes from the Grand Grimoire. He’s an extremist. It’s not our fault we shall say. We will disown the perpetrators when virgins are sacrificed. They are not true Satanists we shall say; they are mutations.”

“We will have many complaints. You non-demonists are not doing enough to help. We are being marginalised; made to feel unwanted. Our young people feel alienated. We are being maligned; run down and discriminated against. It is all so unfair.”

“We will create many separate groups, societies and councils: young-men Satanists, young-women Satanists, middle-aged Satanists, elderly Satanists, Satanists of this locality and Satanists of that, Satanists for good relations, Satanists for equal treatment, Satanists for better education, Satanists for this and Satanists for that.

There will be no end to our organisations and each will make themselves a complete and utter nuisance, denying, whining and complaining. Pretty soon the media will be running national conversations on how to bring us Satanists into the fold. Governments will be falling over backwards not to offend while lavishing money on us.”

They are all astounded at their leader’s cunningly conniving stratagem and start chanting in unison: “Mephistopheles is magnificent, malicious and malignant. Auld Hornie’s kingdom come, we’ve got God- botherers on the run, and we’ll not stop until they’re diddled and done.”

Dark clouds cover the Sun. And news of another virgin sacrificed hardly gets a run.


Aka Peter Smith





  • en passant

    Your parody of ‘those whose name shall not bee spoken’ is grossly unfair to real Satanists. Here are the nine tenets of Satanism that represent a level of good common-sense that is hard to fault when dealing with barbarians. The Nine Satanic Statements are:

    1. Satan represents indulgence instead of abstinence. (My sort of guilt-free religion)
    2. Satan represents vital existence instead of spiritual pipe dreams. (Enjoying your life now sounds OK to me)
    3. Satan represents undefiled wisdom instead of hypocritical self-deceit. (My sort of science and logic and the opposite of the climate catastrophist alchemy, the divisive religious, the unhappy gays and … the list goes on. Satan, it seems is on the right track)
    4. Satan represents kindness to those who deserve it, instead of love wasted on ingrates. (Satan must be psychic as this just makes sense)
    5. Satan represents vengeance instead of turning the other cheek. (Sounds good to me as vengeance and revenge sound more like a worthwhile hobby than work)
    6. Satan represents responsibility to the responsible instead of concern for psychic vampires. (Can’t fault that)
    7. Satan represents man as just another animal (sometimes better, more often worse than those that walk on all fours), who, because of his “divine spiritual and intellectual development”, has become the most vicious animal of all. (A truism and Satan beats Meatloaf as seven out of seven so far is a lot better than ‘2 out of 3 ain’t bad’)
    8. Satan represents all of the so-called sins, as they all lead to physical, mental, or emotional gratification. (This is getting to be fun)
    9. Satan has been the best friend the Church has ever had, as he has kept it in business all these years. (Even Satan makes mistakes)

    If any political party adopted the above plus the Eleven Rules on Earth and avoided the Nine Satanic Sins (the first of which is ‘Stupidity’ so there is little hope of any political party considering such a manifesto containing such a prohibition) they would be on a winner.
    Instead we have to pander the barbarian death cult whose name cannot be spoken for fear of offending them.

  • bemartin39@bigpond.com

    Brilliantly amusing article Peter! If only there were some western leaders with sufficient intestinal fortitude to call a spade a spade and openly confront the ever increasing grave threat facing our civilisation, our way of life. The very few such that arise are quickly shut down and demonized by their gutless, hypocritical peers. Sadly, the ignorant masses also fail to appreciate the perilous situation we are facing.

    Bill Martin.

  • bemartin39@bigpond.com

    One further thought, Peter. The exhalted leader very likely also urged the faithful to multiply like rabbits in the countries of the unbelievets who welcomed them into their societies so as to win by outnumbering their hosts in their own countries. A “cunning plan” as Black Adder would say it.

    Bill Martin.

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