Rudd Dictionary: Volume One

Sure to be a bestseller before the 2010 election. Gavin Atkins is publishing the absolutely essential guide to making sense of what our PM says:

Australian Prime Minister Kevin Rudd has two primary modes of speech. First, there are the times he speaks Mandarin, and none of us know what he is talking about. Then there are the occasions when he chooses to speak English, and nobody knows what he is talking about.

Thus, when he says he will turn back boat people, what he means is that he will repeal laws making it difficult for asylum seekers to stay in Australia, lure flotillas of boats, cause dozens of people to drown on the way here, and turn people smugglers into millionaires within 12 months.

Because of the difficulties some people have distinguishing between what he says and what he means, the ShadowLands is proud to present The Kevin Rudd Dictionary – your handy guide to what Kevin Rudd says and what he really means.

What Kevin says…  What Kevin means

I am declaring war on…     I don’t agree with…

I take full responsibility for…   I want you to stop asking questions about…

Can I just say this…  I am ignoring your question and am about to use my talking points…

Working families… Swinging voters in marginal electorates who will determine my fate…

There is no magic wand… I don’t know what to do.

In due season… I am not going to do that.

Detailed programmatic specificity… I am not going to do that.

Shit-storm… My focus groups think I should be more down to earth.

My job as Prime Minister is to… I am going to ignore your question and make some puerile generalisations.                  

Revolution…We changed funding from 40/60 to 60/40, vastly overpaid some builder in Wauchope to make a canteen, or somebody somewhere just gave a school kid a laptop.

This is the biggest/warmest/largest… I am confident that the ABC and Fairfax journalists in the room are not about to check my facts any time soon regarding…

I’m all about…[jobs, ETS, puppy dogs…] The latest focus group results are in and I am suddenly concerned about [jobs, ETS, puppy dogs…] 

The alternative to doing something is doing nothing… (An all purpose answer, used to reply to any question, indicating nothing).

Source: ShadowLands at Asian Correspondent