Life on Earth #4

HERE: 

Billions of dollars went zooming into bank accounts last week as part of Kevin Rudd’s stimulus package. The Weekend Australian reported that a large number of recipients were actually dead. Centrelink, who manages the cash-splash-bank-account had about 1.5 million dead people on its books and 27,000 who had never been born. According to the newspaper, “A spokesman for the Treasurer denied giving money to the dead was a waste…”, while Community Services Minister Jenny Macklin said it was a long standing policy for pension increases to flow overseas. Inexplicably Wayne Swan was put on the B list at the G20 talks in the UK. Also in the UK, about $300 million is expected to be added to the turnover of a company owned by Therese Rein. M/s Rein is the Prime Minister’s wife. 

THERE:

It was unclear whether Defence has worked out its pay dispute with soldiers serving in Afghanistan as 15 Royal Australian Navy ships steamed into Sydney Harbour and RAAF fighters buzzed Melbourne. About 6o terrorists released from Guantanamo Bay are back in the terrorist business — one as top commander in Afghanistan. Candidates Bligh and Springborg squabbled over who was best equipped to clean up a bad oil-slick that is discolouring the Gold Coast while former Midnight Oil singer, 55 year-old Peter Garrett stomped about on stage as though his boots were on fire. Curiously the recession-conscious NSW Government is having its police uniforms made in China while that country had a very serious altercation in the South China Sea with the US Navy. Water hoses were used in the clash. Scientists claim sea levels will rise more than expected.

EVERYWHERE:

In Indonesia a man had one of his testicles bitten off by a horse. The horse survived. American research companies have developed a phone-battery that can be recharged in seconds and a self-repairing auto-paint. Queenland faces a scare-campaign with the release of supposed photographs of a nude Pauline Hanson. In Malaysia a man shot a woman he thought was a monkey while in Arkansas a woman was arrested for slipping Valium into her boss’s coffee. What is thought to be a 16th century female vampire has been unearthed in Venice. The “Shroud-eater’s” skull was found with a tell-tale brick in it’s jaw. A British academic claims to have found evidence that Robin Hood might have been a bad egg. In Texas a bulldozer, reported stolen 10 years ago, has been found buried under a fairway of a golf course. Question asked by a loopy tourist in Whitby, Yorkshire: “Why do they build so many ruined castles and abbeys in England?”