Michael Connor

Australiaphobia – the movie not by Baz Luhrmann

Tracey, our local checkout chick who is doing a part-time PhD in performing arts (online), is applying for a grant to make a movie. It’s a great Australian story.

It’s a sort of female remake of The Picture of Dorian Gray about this English lady aristocrat who discovers a Botox mine in the Australian outback in 1938. Tracey likes history.

It starts with a revolving globe showing the Imperial Japanese Army heading for Australia with duty free stopovers in Hong Kong, Bali and Singapore and then it cuts to the tastefully naked lady aristocrat dancing under the Botox gusher she has just discovered in the desert. I said to Tracey that it sounded like a scene from Giant. She said she would Google that and get back to me. She takes research pretty seriously.

In the film are some typical Aussie characters. A cute little ethnic girl called Didgeridoo. A straight young guy, with good abs, who plays the wise Afghan camel trainer who organises the camel trains which transport the Botox from the mine to the port in Perth. A tribal elder who plays the wise and friendly manager of the local Big W. An American guy to play the bad Japanese military commander who invades Australia to kidnap Didgeridoo before the straight guy, after being tortured with his shirt off, rescues her.

The climax of the movie (three hours later) is when the Japs, played by more Yanks, bomb the Botox mine and the lady aristocrat’s face starts to crack as she leads her employees through the desert to safety in Sydney. As the tension builds the Afghan camel driver reveals that he knows of a river of Botox in the Great Sandy Desert which he has kept secret in order to prevent capitalist exploitation and global warming. Didgeridoo using ancient tribal science manufactures a glass syringe from mulga wood, desert sand and a box of matches. The aristocrat’s face is saved. Big budget item with really expensive special effects and computer imaging, bit different to Dorian Gray. Tracey is not sure who she should ask to play the part of the lady aristocrat.

The tribal elder drops in, sees Didgeridoo using secret women’s business and gives her a contract to supply his Big W. It turns out that the straight Afghan guy is really an English aristocrat whose parents were sent to Australia as convicts wrongly convicted of stealing caviar when they were starving during the Irish Famine. He falls in love with the lady aristocrat and vice versa. Then they win the war, stop genocide, and turn back global climate change when Didgeridoo reveals that Botox can replace oil. The happy ending has a white wedding in the outback with lots of singing black people. When they cut the cake (bush tucker) Jessica Mauboy (from Idol) rises out of it singing the film theme – which will be written by Sir Elton John.

Tracey’s supervisor (online) thinks she should ask for a Very Big Grant.

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