Doomed Planet

Fifth Horseman of the Apocalypse

angel avengingWho started this ruinous climate nonsense? Maurice Strong and even Margaret Thatcher have been implicated. And surely arch villain George Soros, if not Moriarty himself, had a hand. It’s a mystery steeped in an enigma. Let’s go to “denialist” Professor Göran Ahlgren of the Stockholm Initiative for a plausible account. The seeds were planted, he claims, during a brain-storm sessions in a Swedish sauna between Olof Palme and his tennis partner, Bert Bolin, a climatologist. Palme went on to become the Swedish prime minister. A decade later, in 1988, Bolin created and headed the IPCC.

It is too good not to be true. It must be true. Undoubtedly, a Swedish sauna is the ideal place to discover global warming. And, indeed, to have visions, which Herr Bolin duly did as he drifted off in the heat and steam. He awoke a changed man, determined to change the world. In the fullness of his imagination, and subsequently in  the flesh, he gathered before him a multitude at UN headquarters.

“Lyssna!”, he said in his native tongue (meaning ‘Hearken!’) before continuing in English.

“An avenging angel has chosen me to carry his message. ‘Lo,’ he said unto me, ‘beware the black stuff.’

Silence ensued. Murmurs of doubt could be heard rippling throughout the multitude.

“No! No! It’s true, I tell you, and you will all henceforth have great power over the minions.”

This immediately convinced them.

“‘Ye must act now, lest ye be all burnt to crisps’,” the angel said to me.

“‘But what shall we do?’ I cried out to him, to prevent this most terrible of fates.”

“Ye must build great edifices to make sea water potable.”

“‘Potable?’ I queried him.”

“‘Drinkable, Swedish dummy’, he replied gruffly. ‘But, ye must not run them, he warned, they are sacrificial offerings to be maintained chaste into perpetuity at great cost.’

“‘Will this be enough?’ I asked.”

“‘Nay, not nearly’,” he replied with a great and powerful voice. ‘Ye must get the Chinese to build great bladed towers which ye must then strew across landscapes as foul sores to thy sight. These will be a penance for thy evil ways.'”

“‘But what have we done to bring down such wrath upon us’, I asked the avenging angel.”

“Ye have burnt the black stuff, which was ever intended to be left buried under the earth till the end of time.”

“‘But we didn’t know you see’, I said, as I threw myself on his mercy. But he’d have none of it, however much I grovelled and pleaded.”

“‘Squirm away, ye malevolent worm; ye burner of the black stuff’,” he said, very angrily. ‘Verily your comeuppance is at hand.’ He added with a smirk, ‘..and don’t interrupt me before I’ve finished telling thee of the punishments to be meted out.’

“‘Ye must also get the Chinese to manufacture millions, nay billions, of square shiny panels to catch the sun. These ye must put in thy fields, not otherwise occupied by the great bladed towers, and on top of thy roofs. Yea, till every roof is covered. And, by the way, doubt thee not, ye must demolish those evil satanic stations which burn the black stuff that was meant to be forever in the ground.’

“‘But how shall we keep the lights on’, I asked, as meekly as I could to forestall his anger.”

“‘When the wind blows and the sun shines ye shall have light, for I am merciful. Also, ye have permission to contract a prophet at enormous public expense, one called by the name Elon Musk, so ye won’t have difficulty finding him, to build bank after bank of black batteries to catch power made by the wind and sun. And and one called Malcolm, who ye can find in Point Piper, who knows the secret of driving water uphill so that it can pour down again. These things will provide feeble power in the dead of night and on still and cloudy days. Lo, as I said, I am merciful,’ the avenging angel finally said to me, before fading away in the sauna’s steam as though he’d never been.”

Bolin thus charged the UN multitude to go out and spread the word. And it was done. Apostles emerged across the globe. One called Gore, one Flannery, another Stern, so many of them – all mercilessly scolding sceptics with enormous righteousness. Failure to recant bringing the odious branding of “denier” before the terrible fate of being cast into the putrid pit.

Literally, a new dark age is dawning. But at least people won’t be burnt to crisps. Though I am not so sure? Australian thermal coal exports were circa 200 million tonnes in 2017 versus 100 million tons fifteen years earlier in 2002.

Someone, I guess, must be burning the black stuff still, even if we’re not. We might be all diddled, dashed and done after all, despite the best efforts of Herr Bolin and his apostles. Ye Gads!

5 thoughts on “Fifth Horseman of the Apocalypse

  • says:

    Peter, here is a workable solution:
    “It was cold, and – [they] – stood around a fire they had made to keep warm”. John 18:18

  • en passant says:

    That is such a ridiculous story that only the dimmest 63.457% of the Oz population could believe it and 97.395% of Oz politicians, Being a cynic, a realist and a 7th Dan Denier I think they just go with the flow as even pollie-wafflers could not really be that dim, even by candlelight.

  • Greg Williams says:

    While we are on the satirical bent, perhaps this is worth a read:

    It has come to my attention that the planet is facing another crisis, that being Serious and Harmful Anthropogenic Geological Gravity INcrease (SHAGGIN).

    As we all know, our weight is the measure of the force of gravity, and everywhere I look, I see people getting heavier and heavier and this is despite exhortations through almost every media outlet to try to avoid this. As I move towards my seventies, I have noticed that I am not as tall as I used to be, undoubtedly a result of SHAGGIN. There can only be one explanation for this phenomenon, and that is that gravity is moving towards an uncontrollable increase. I have read 100 peer reviewed articles by SHAGGIN scientists, and 97 of these articles believe that unless we humans start to do something about this crisis, we have less than 10 years before the planet will be irretrievably damaged. Trees will not be able to grow; high jump records will never be broken; islands will start to sink into the sea, pulled down by the SHAGGIN; but perhaps the most difficult for us to accept is that Nic Naitanui will never win another ruck knock against Aaron Sandlands.

    With 97% of SHAGGIN scientists supporting the notion, then it is inevitable that politicians will adopt it and do all that they can to save the planet. They will go about it in the normal way, that is, separate us from our money by introducing a SHAGGIN tax. It appears that things like fast food, driving cars, watching TV, using labour saving devices such as vaccuum cleaners and the like, are major contributors to SHAGGIN. It only took a human contribution of 12 parts per million in carbon dioxide and a single survey of less than a hundred climate scientsts (which produced 97% consensus) to get all the politicians on the planet to go to Paris to agree to tax our breathing, so it shouldn’t be too hard to get them to tax all those machines and fast foods. As we all know, science conducted by consensus is politics, so we need to bring the politicians on board.

    I wrote to Pope Francis and put the proposal of SHAGGIN to him and he responded with alacrity. He said the nearly 2 billion catholics on the planet needed to believe in something and God wasn’t quite cutting it with most of them today. He said once Climate Change was consigned to the same box that the Y2K hoax ended up in, he would produce an encyclical on SHAGGIN and encourage all the catholics to embrace it. As we all know, science conducted by belief is religion, so to save the planet, we definitely need the catholics on board. I wrote to the Grand Mufti and asked him to gather a few heads to talk it over, but I haven’t heard back from him yet.

    Finally I have approached the ABC. As we know, science conducted by censorship is tyranny, and the ABC, on the issue of climate change, has totally excluded any view counter to its own. The ABC has taken censorship to unheard of levels on this particular issue. The ABC usually adopts the counter-intuitive view, and then, using our tax payer dollars, censors all but it preferred narrative. If SHAGGIN can be adopted by the ABC, then once the heat has gone out of the climate change train wreck, then we can expect the full support of the ABC.

    So, science conducted by consensus is politics, not science.
    Science conducted by belief is religion, not science, and
    Science conducted by censorship is tyranny, not science.

    I think SHAGGIN has the lot!

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