Bill Muehlenberg

PETA and Further Scenes from the Passing Madness

Of the making of public insanities there is no end, it seems. Each passing day brings more examples of idiocy from our intellectualoids, elites and activist groups. There is never a shortage of examples of moonbeams concocting some new scheme to save the world, or devising some plot to bring heaven to earth.

Consider a case involving those animal-loving zealots who come up with great ideas every few months. (The fact that the group counts Pamela Anderson as one of its members explains a few things.) What I read in today’s papers is a case so amazing that it just takes a bit of time to let it all sink in. It really is mind-boggling.

Indeed, this story has got to take the cake. It is a prime example of when the looney tunes start calling the shots, it’s time to head for the hills. It concerns our good friends at PETA who want to have ice cream made from human breast milk. I kid you not. Here is how the story goes:

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals sent a letter to Ben Cohen and Jerry Greenfield, cofounders of Ben & Jerry’s Homemade Inc., urging them to replace cow’s milk they use in their ice cream products with human breast milk, according to a statement recently released by a PETA spokeswoman.

“PETA’s request comes in the wake of news reports that a Swiss restaurant owner will begin purchasing breast milk from nursing mothers and substituting breast milk for 75 percent of the cow’s milk in the food he serves,” the statement says. PETA officials say a move to human breast milk would lessen the suffering of dairy cows and their babies on factory farms and benefit human health.

“The fact that human adults consume huge quantities of dairy products made from milk that was meant for a baby cow just doesn’t make sense,” says PETA Executive Vice President Tracy Reiman. “Everyone knows that ‘the breast is best,’ so Ben & Jerry’s could do consumers and cows a big favor by making the switch to breast milk.” In a statement Ben and Jerry’s said, “We applaud PETA’s novel approach to bringing attention to an issue, but we believe a mother’s milk is best used for her child.”

Well, there you have it. In order to help out those poor cows, we are all going to have to make some small sacrifices around here. But hey, it’s a great cause, and we should all be willing to throw our support behind this one. It could radically change our planet, after all.

So next time you head to your favourite ice cream parlour, and they ask you what flavour you would like, simply reply with these words: “Make mine a double mocha almond delight with breast milk thanks.” Or maybe, “I’ll have the breast milk deluxe, with peppermint, caramel crunch”.

Great idea PETA. Why didn’t we think of it sooner? Of course there is one small problem that comes to mind here: just where is all of this breast milk supposed to come from? Will PETA mount a campaign to urge mums to sell their milk to ice cream shops? How much will a litre sell for? And it seems a bit discriminatory against dads. I’m sure they want to do their bit as well for bovine betterment.

And maybe we can tinker with mum’s DNA, so that the milk produced comes with a few extra flavours already built in. Surely science and technology can tweak things a bit so that mum can produce strawberry-flavoured milk, or perhaps pralines ‘n cream milk.

Nice idea about the milk buying and selling. But another slight problem: will PETA encourage women to get pregnant just so that they can lactate, and help our ice cream industry to be more ethical? Will women become pregnant in great numbers to help make a few quick bucks on the side? I suppose it makes sense. After all, we all need a bit of extra moolah for life’s various expenses. Hey, we all need some extra money so we can take the kiddies out for an ice cream cone treat, right?!

So far so good. But another minor downside comes to mind: what about the real purpose of pregnancy: babies? What do we do with all those unwanted side-products of the ethical ice cream revolution?

PETA is great on animal rights. I have not heard them talk much about the rights of unborn babies however. I guess they will not mind adding some more millions to the annual abortion stats. At least we can be kind to the cows. Better to work toward some bovine beneficence than to get all hot and bothered about much more mundane things, such as the rights of unborn babies I guess.

Well, I for one can’t wait till I next get to Baskin-Robbins. Just knowing that all my bovine buddies will be less stressed will certainly help me sleep better at nights. I will feel a bit bad for all those worn-out mums, however, sweating away on their breast pumps all day to keep PETA happy and to do their bit for the vital cause of animal liberation.

But to save the world, we all have to do our bit. So women of the world: unite, you only have your babies to lose in the cause of creating cowtopia.

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