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Ukraine: Where News Goes to Die

Salvatore Babones

Mar 23 2022

5 mins

War is hell, and truth doesn’t stand a snowball’s chance. With all stories of violence and bloodshed coming out of eastern Europe, readers might be forgiven for missing the news that Ukraine’s defender of democracy and champion of freedom Volodymyr Zelensky suspended 11 opposition political parties over the weekend. This comes just after he nationalised all broadcast media to enforce a “unified information policy” under martial law. Ukraine’s liberal president Volodymyr Zelensky is looking increasingly like Canada’s Liberal prime minister Justin Trudeau. As the war drags on, he is approaching the stature of New Zealand’s “single source of truth”, Jacinda Ardern. No wonder the global media loves him.

State media has at least one advantage over private media: it’s not paywalled. Well, unless it’s the ABC. Let’s hope for Ukraine’s sake that Zelensky’s state media also gets the news out more quickly than America’s private media. Just last week, the New York Times finally confirmed that Hunter Biden’s laptop actually was his and the e-mails revealing how he traded on his father’s influence actually were real. Then this week the Gray Lady verified Ashley Biden’s diary, which detailed disturbing aspects of her family’s home life. Both stories originally surfaced in October, 2020. Thank you, Rupert.

Truth will out—eventually. And what better time to out it than during a war, with wall-to-wall news coverage featuring images of death and destruction, and all the chat shows debating the risks (and benefits?) of provoking a nuclear exchange with the latter-day Adolf Hitler, Vladimir Putin. Anyway Hunter’s laptop had to be acknowledged sooner or later: Biden fils may soon be indicted on tax and foreign influence charges. And with the liberal establishment pushing to have Project Veritas indicted for “stealing” Ashley’s diary, it is getting increasingly difficult to maintain that it is a fabrication.

If there are any other dead bodies in the Democratic Party cupboard, now is the time to dump them.

In 2020, there was an election to win, and no one at the New York Times (or CNN, or MSNBC, or Twitter, or Facebook, or anywhere other than the New York Post) was going to let an October surprise swing the vote to Donald Trump. Wikipedia still won’t risk Trump winning the 2020 election. Even now, Hunter Biden’s Wikipedia page only mentions his laptop twice: as “a laptop purportedly belonging to Biden” and as the source of e-mails “that appeared to come from a laptop belonging to Biden”. The Wikipedia page that was created as “Hunter Biden Laptop Controversy” was at some point moved to “Biden-Ukraine conspiracy theory”—and there it remains.

Ashley Biden’s Wikipedia page doesn’t mention her diary—arguably the only thing that makes her noteworthy enough to merit a Wikipedia page at all. That just goes to show what you can accomplish if you hire the right Wikipedia disinformation consultants. They must be Russian.

Now that the world is finally at war with Russia, it’s should be OK to pin the blame where it really belongs. As “more than 50 former senior intelligence officials” told us just before the 2020 presidential election, “our view [is] that the Russians are involved in the Hunter Biden email issue”, despite the fact that “we want to emphasize that we do not know if the emails … are genuine or not and that we do not have evidence of Russian involvement”. Or to quote the former president himself: “Russia, Russia, Russia”. That must be why Trump didn’t close down the Ukrainian biolabs, where the United States is absolutely not conducting biological weapons research. Russia.

If Russia does capture those biological research laboratories (which are not conducting biological weapons research, despite the fact that they might—just might—still harbour Soviet-era biological weapons agents that absolutely must be destroyed before Vladimir Putin gets his hands on them, since Soviet-era agents would represent a great advance over anything that might be in Russia’s arsenal in 2022), the big question remains: what does Hunter have to do with all this? Of all the biolabs in all the countries in all the world, Putin walked into Hunter’s. Was Hunter really an American spy, infiltrating Burisma to expose corrupt Ukrainian prosecutors? Was Ukraine really developing biological weapons on behalf of Donald Trump? And is that an impeachable offense?

And most importantly, what exactly is Ashley’s connection to Ukraine? The answer may be found deep in her Wikipedia profile:

When Biden was in elementary school, she discovered that the cosmetics company Bonne Bell tested its products on animals. She wrote a letter to the company asking them to change their policy on animal testing. She later got involved in dolphin conservation, inspiring her father to work with Congresswoman Barbara Boxer to write and pass the 1990 Dolphin Protection Consumer Information Act. [The nine year old] Biden made an appearance before members of the United States Congress to lobby for the legislation.

Just one year later, Ukraine declared independence from the Soviet Union, enraging a young KGB officer in East Germany and putting the world on the path to war. What role did the 10-year-old Ashley Biden play in the breakup of the Soviet Union? Why has Ashley’s diary not yet been published in full? Why does Vladimir Putin hate dolphins? And is the entire Ukraine war a fabrication invented by Big Oil to distract us from the real emergency: climate change? Only one thing is certain: we’re all relieved to be talking about something other than coronavirus. But with Putin’s troops protected only by the uncertified Sputnik vaccine, his bioweapon vectors may already be on the ground in Ukraine.

Maybe that’s why he needs the biological research laboratories. It’s hard to say. Hunter’s not talking. CIA. Better ask Ashley. Or maybe … the dolphins? They’re supposed to be the smartest animals on Earth. And Vladimir Putin hates them. Dolphingate: look for it on Wikipedia in time for the November midterm elections. By then, we’ll all need something to distract us from the war in Taiwan. In the meantime, there’s always climate change. The next climate strike is this Friday—and the kids have been given off school (it’s the only way to get them to attend). It could be worse. Just be glad they’re not volunteering to fight in Ukraine.

Salvatore Babones is The Philistine.

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