The Woman Who Mistook Her Husband for a Garden

She had known there was work to be done

when she first met him.

The azaleas would have to go

and his snoring would need severe pruning.

She wanted a cottage effect in her garden

and the wild untamed vegetation

would look much better once fenced

with clear borders and paths marked out.

There were certain attitudes which would need

to be divided and separated

and some of his behaviour would be good for compost

but certainly good for nothing else.

A pond and a birdbath here and there

would help create a more civilized look,

whereas that wild patch behind the backshed

would leave a little mysterious area.

A vegetable garden needed to be dug

just under his left ear,

with plenty of carrots and parsnips,

Russian garlic, but mainly tomatoes in summer.

Perhaps corn would like the soil further down,

where there was more moisture.

A good root could only be tolerated occasionally

on plants that could not be seen

from the front of the house

and the clothes he was prone to wearing at times

would make excellent mulch.

She wondered what to do

with his washing up technique,

and facial hairs left scattered in the handbasin,

but they would all, no doubt, find their place

once properly trained.

There was a lot of work to be done,

but with pruning and organization,

he would make a fine garden.

Patrick McCauley