Our resident soothsayer has examined the entrails of the US presidential campaign, now in its final days, and laid out his prophecies. While some might seem highly unlikely, there can be no doubt the Clinton Foundation’s coffers will swell mightily
Barring the FBI’s various and ongoing investigations, the US seems likely to elect its first female President next week. What do deplorable basket-case right-wingers have to look forward to, should Republican contender Donald Trump’s last-minute firming in the polls prove stillborn? Let’s peer into the crystal ball.
January’s inaugural speech will begin with the sound of tinkling as the glass ceiling finally shatters and disintegrates, showering the assembled glitterati with extra sparkle. Ms Clinton will likely say she will strive to be a President for all Americans, especially transgender Islamists and anyone else who contributes generously to the Clinton Foundation.
By February she will be back in her snowy hometown of Chicago to lay a foundation stone for the city’s new desalination plant, which the Windy City doesn’t actually need as it is located on the shores of Lake Michigan. But that doesn’t mean much in Cook County, where public works projects and budgets have always been regarded as the treasury of the connected. Why, even grandmas get in on the act!
In March, Hillary hits Laredo, on the Mexican border, to open her fast-track, solar-powered mass immigration travelator, installed across the Rio Grande to safely bring in ten of thousands of new Americans per hour. “As racist imperialists stole Texas in the first place, the day has come never again to vex a Mex.” The new arrivals will be added to the electoral rolls without delay, especially in congressional districts now occupied by Republicans.
In early April, she will personally greet walkers in the Million Grandma March in Washington. Hubby Bill will welcome many of the assembled grannies with warm and enthusiastic hugs — mostly, but not exclusively, of the non-staining variety.
Come May, Hillary will be in Nevada to pull the plug on the no-longer-mighty mighty Hoover Dam. As she presses the button to demolish the dam wall, Hillary asks “Who are we to stop this mighty river from doing as Gaia intended?” Later that day, in order to re-assure Las Vegas residents that their city will still light the night with its neon incandesence now that the hydro power is no more, she opens the nation’s first urine-powered turbine.
In June, Hillary visits US troops as they leave Germany to make way for the new Islamist peace-keeping force. “Ich bin eine halal Frankfurter!” she says to thunderous applause. Mysteriously large sums, denominated in Gulf State petro dollars, pour into the Clinton Foundation’s coffers. The only down note comes when she regrets daughter Chelsea will be unable to attend New Year’s revelries at Cologne Station, but nevertheless wishes all participants the very best for that celebration of multicultural enrichment.
Come the 4th of July, Hillary sets off the fireworks display at the Statue of Liberty and recalls the indignities visited upon the Founding Fathers by their British masters, who expected the colonists to make some contribution toward the cost of protecting them them from Indians to the west and the French to the north. Rather than taxes, London should have sent regular welfare payments to Boston and other locales, thereby encouraging the locals to set aside concepts of enterprise and initiative. “This is and always will be the purpose of government,” she explains.
In the heat of August, she arrives in California’s sizzling Silicon Valley to announce her keystone initiative. “I promised I would create new jobs, and today I keep that promise,” she says, bringing from her pocket vials containing frozen embryos imbued with the cloned DNA of Steve Jobs. “Here are the new Jobs that I am creating.”.
As American children return to school in the cooler breezes of September, Hillary joins a kindergarten class in Arkansas, where she was once the Governor’s wife. “As I once wrote, it takes a village to raise a child. But here in Arkansas it often takes three different step-dads, a stand-in grandmother and the local child protection officer.”
In October, Hillary flies direct to Pyongyang to meet North Korean dictator Kim one-to-one. She brings Oprah with her, and they dance Gangnam style on Air Force One. Sadly, the Korean dictator is too busy throwing missiles in the general direction of Japan, so Oprah, Ellen and Hillary divert to Bangkok for an impromptu seminar on sexism and the gender pay gap, “the most pressing problem facing the world today.” Bill enjoys the trip and observes that “some of those lady boys aren’t so bad when you get to know them.”
By late November, Hillary is ready to light up the Christmas tree on the front lawn of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Bill offers to play Santa and explains that is why he was observed wwith several nubile interns on his knee.
In December, Hillary and Bill fly to spend Christmas quietly on their favourite beach at Port Douglas. In a whistle-stop speech at Cairns airport, Hillary declares, “Bill and I love Australians. We couldn’t think of any people or place better to spend the Festive Season.” On their way home they are gratified to learn that the Australian government has poured yet additional hundreds of millions of dollars into the Clinton Foundation.
Hillary promises to keep Julia Gillard too busy overseas to fly home. The crowd cheers lustily.