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October 12th 2014 print

Mahammad Kalifa Al–Kalifa More-Kalifas

No Laughing Matter in Saudi

Back in the West after an extended stint amid the burning sands, our correspondent recalls the Wahabi way and wonders why so many are so eager to overlook what makes Islam what it is: a contemptuous and thinly veiled intolerance for all other creeds

king smallThere is an old Irish joke: A new Pope was on his first tour of Ireland when he found himself alone in the back of a limo.  He reached forward, tapped on the window and said to the driver, “You know the thing I miss most about being a Pope is that I can’t drive — someone drives you everywhere.  Would you mind swapping places so that I can enjoy the feeling of driving in this fine country”.  The young driver protested that he would lose his job, but was eventually persuaded.

The lead-footed Pontiff took the driver’s seat and the limo went hurtling down the narrow roads, soon passing a policeman, who pulled the vehicle over. Upon recognising the driver, the policeman called his sergent for advice. “I don’t care who it is,” the young cop was told. “Book him!”

“But this is the highest VIP you can imagine,” protested the policeman, “I don’t recognise who’s in the back, but he must be important because the Pope is his driver”.

In many jokes, you can switch the characters’ race or religion and they will still be regarded as harmless and funny.  In today’s world, you cannot safely switch the religion to Muslim.  And quite rightly, for Islam is no laughing matter (unlike Catholics and Jews, who are fair game), because Islam truly is the True Religion, and just as important, it is the Religion of Peace.

Let me explain to all the unsympathetic Kaffirs out there.

My name is Mahammad, not to be confused with Mahammad PBUH, who died many years ago.  This can be confusing, particularly in a room full of Mahammads, which often happens in Saudi Arabia (where naming sons after Mahammad PBUH is almost mandatory, and adding names like Kalifa (chief) and Al Kalifa (THE chief) doesn’t help much.  As to naming daughters, well, who cares?  When referring to Mahammad PBUH one must ensure “peace be upon him” or the abbreviation, follows immediately after the name.  When referring to me, PBUH must not be used.  To do  that would be blasphemy, and in that neck of the woods blasphemers are only a stone’s throw from a grisly death.

I speak with spome small authority, having spent 14 months, 2 weeks, 3 days and 7 hours in Saudi Arabia in the 1990s. While I did not convert to Islam, I learned a lot from impeccable sources, such as other expats and TV.

For example, I never met an expat who took up the invitation to “come and see the double-header at Chop-Chop Square”, but there seems much evidence that many people did die via public executions during my stay.  I’m sure that my post-modern friends have a cultural-equivalence argument that makes public executions OK, but there is no need for them to explain it as, sooner or later, I’m bound to hear it laid out on the ABC.

The most important thing I learned in Saudi is that the Koran is “complete and perfect knowledge” – “complete” in that nothing exists outside of the Koran that is of any material value or use, and “perfect” in that it cannot be improved.  I know this to be true because during one of the five daily prayer breaks, whatever is playing on the TV is replaced by a sunset photo of a mosque, the beautiful tones of the call to prayer, and some words in to the effect that the Koran is incapable of improvement, complete with English translation. The interruptions come even during the last few points of the  Wimbledon final, so you know this was serious. According to this infallible source, the proof of the perfection of the Koran can be found in its truthfulness and beauty — truthfulness and beauty of such magnificence that a mere man could not hope to achieve it.  I know that this is somewhat circular logic, but apart from that, it is hard to fault.

TV in Saudi Arabia, by the way, is very entertaining, focusing on sport, news, nature and cooking shows.  This is because of the effort needed to censor just about everything else. What Western shows do not show men and women interacting freely, sometimes even hugging or, perish the thought, some infidel strumpet daring to pilot a motor vehicle.

The news was my favourite because the first 15 minutes every night were filled with reports on who the King met that day.  Images of the King silently shaking hands with Ambassador Bob from Whocareswhere were accompanied with a voiceover that always said “the King of Saudi Arabia, King Fahd-do-do-dah-dah, today met with Ambassador Bob and they discussed security issues and matters of mutual concern.” This would be followed by silent images of the pair sitting and chatting while the exact same marching tune that used to introduce Monty Python was played, stopping just  before the raspberry bit.

This format was repeated exactly with ambassadors Bill, John and Fred from elsewhere.  I don’t recall the King ever meeting an Ambassador Jill.  The fun bit was hoping that one night the music would go just a few seconds longer and deliver that longed-for raspberry. Sadly, it never did. In Saudi Arabia you learn to make your own fun, such as it is.

But I digress.  Another important thing to note about Islam is that it is genuinely the One True Religion.  Who else claims to be guided by a book that is proven to be complete, perfect an dictated directly by God?  It may have been provided to an illiterate with a sleeping problem, but we are assured that it was taken down word-perfect, so that doesn’t leave much room to argue.

Then there is the matter of peace.  At some time or other, adherents of all religions have been carried away by their spiritual enthusiasms and taken up arms to advance them, killing quite a few people in the process. Not so Islam.  If that comes as a surprise, you need to understand that, just as we in the West don’t count the number of non-human casualties in wars (horses, dogs, pigs etc), Muslims don’t count Kaffirs.  In the Islamic view of the world, there are people that matter (those who have submitted to Allah, aka Muslims) and Kaffirs (non-believers), who may be converted to Islam, or alternatively …. well, the options are a bit limited.

Let’s just say that Kaffirs don’t really count, and in any case, they  all had the opportunity to convert, so there goes the right to complain about anything nasty that might come their way as a consequence of such willful and blind intransigence.  At the end of the day, when everyone has converted (or whatever), everyone will be Muslim and nobody left to fight with. Behold, peace!

Now the whole Sunni/Shiite/Wahhabi thing doesn’t quite fit the simple picture painted above, but I’m sure there is a sound, post-modern, culturally relativistic explanation, but I would be too ignorant to understand, so don’t bother. The Sunni/Shiite division was obvious during my stay in Saudi Arabia.  The Sunnis run the country and, by the most remarkable coincidence, every time there was a major crime, not only was it solved, but the perps confessed, even when the consequences were going to be terminal.  And, amazingly, the malefactors were always Shiites!

I have explained all this for the benefit of unsympathetic Kaffirs, because sympathetic Kaffirs either already know and believe, or won’t listen.  Sympathetic Kaffirs are invariable from the dopey end of the leftist spectrum, handsome young Sarah being a prime example.  Depressingly, the Canberra press gallery (women don’t count, and in some countries that is both figuratively and literally true) also seems composed of either sympathetic Kaffirs or ones too lazy to research the subject.  Stalin must have looked at the useful idiots doing his bidding, in much the same way as Islamic terrorists regard our leftist journalists and politicians.

I should also clarify the face-covering issue.  The Koran clearly states that “women should be protected”, and as it is complete and perfect knowledge, it does not have to explain how such protection should be implemented.  So you can see that face coverings are mandatory if the protector (husband or brother) deems them necessary.  That photos from many Muslim countries in the 1950 show the vast majority of women dressed in normal Western clothes does not detract from the perfectly valid modern move to regress to thousand-year-old practices.

Regarding the reasoning that allows the leap from “protecting women” to mutilating their genitalia, sorry I can’t shed light on that, you will need a sympathetic Kaffir with a post-modern PhD to explain that one.  Note that genital mutilation is also not specifically mentioned anywhere in the Koran.

Our society’s tolerance of intolerance is slowly preventing us from saving ourselves from the slow transition to an Islamic society.  It may take some time, but there are no effective forces in opposition, and the sympathetic Kaffirs may already outnumber the unsympathetic.  The leftist media is outraged at the slightest clumsiness when white people talk about Aborigines, no matter how well meaning or helpful, yet actively promoted a lecture at this year’s Festival of Dangerous Ideas intended to justify the “honour killings” of women and girls.  This emboldens fanatics and aids their recruiting activities.

The sympathetic Kaffirs will not like peace when it is achieved.  Neither, I suspect, will the current moderate Muslims of Australia.  Both groups need to have a good think about what kind of Australia they want to live in, and start doing something about it.

Mahammad Kalifa Al-Kalifa More-Kalifas Ibn Downthepub is not an Islamic scholar and while the content of this article is believed to be true, she is willing to stand corrected on some of the details.  He apologises for her lazy bogan phonetic spelling of many non-English words, but contends that complex accents and alternative forms add nothing but confusion.  He freely acknowledges that she does not have the courage to publish this article under his own name.  Her gender may have been changed to protect the mostly innocent.