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February 22nd 2014 print

Peter Smith

The ‘A’ In ABC, It Must Be For ‘Alien’

It came to me in a dream: The same extraterrestrials who polished their English skills by monitoring the ABC on their long, intergalactic journey to Earth are now in charge of the national broadcaster. No wonder they still can't grasp the world the rest of us inhabit

alienWhat horrors are these, I pondered as I slumped in front of the tele, glass of wine in hand? Unusually I was watching the ABC news (17 February). I simply didn’t realise things had become so bad.

I am dozing off but vaguely see, or think I see, an enormous razor-wire fence imprisoning a dwarfed Juanita Phillips talking about a Manus Island breakout. The latest Snowden revelations of Australia spying on Indonesia morph into an academic guru explaining that our relationship with Indonesia is rapidly going down the tubes.

Eyes now shut I faintly hear that the government intends removing consumer protections forged by the previous, caring government after Storm Financial went down. The big banks and AMP are pulling the government’s strings, leaving the little person to their tender mercies.

Zzzzzzzzzz…

It came to me in a dream. Abbott must tear down the razor wire with his bare hands and personally welcome boat people, garlands at the ready. Second, he must don sackcloth and prostrate himself in shame and repentance at the feet of President Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono. And, most importantly, promise show trials for Rudd and Gillard, who presided over the spying bastardry that is bedevilling the relationship with our non-eavesdropping friend to our north. Third, he must protect all the little people from their own financial follies. Fourth, he must learn to love old growth forests and squeaky-clean air and pristine landscapes and very fast trains and bicycles. Fifth, he must recant and, and….?!

There must have been some disturbance or noise because I suddenly woke. At that moment I realised that my mind was shrivelling and being replaced. It was being replaced by a squelchy mind whose epicentre was far to the left of my own. I quickly switched off the TV and went to the bathroom and splashed cold water on my face. I concluded quite naturally that aliens were at work and began searching for a mind pod that had been secreted in my flat.

Think about it. Aliens would undoubtedly build mind pods geared to their perception of humankind so that they would not be spottable. Imagine aliens leaving their planets — extincted through overexploitation and greenhouse gasses — listening to the ABC each day on their long journey to earth. Assuming their English is adequate they are going to build left-centric mind pods.

I thought of school teachers slumped in front of their TVs drinking themselves silly after being with little monsters all day. Academics seeking escape through the bottle and TV from book-ridden airless studies and university politics. Reporters and commentators soaking up the news while drinking as part of a longstanding tradition and professional expectation.

It came to me in a flash. Not one thing alone would do it. Only the combination of a pod, drinking alcohol, watching the ABC news and dozing off would do it.

If you think this is all far-fetched think again. How else do you explain the predominance of squelchy left-centred minds among these groups? There is no other logical explanation. We can be fairly sure that they have all had their minds replaced.

The challenge for conservatives is to avoid the ABC news, to stay away from the bottle and keep awake in front of the tele in case the remote is inadvertently pressed and switches channels to the ABC.

The only chink in my theory was the Greens. Sure they watch the ABC when they get the chance, but mainly they are to be seen on the ABC or tramping through old growth forests or organising protests against any development likely to raise living standards. Anyway, a lot of them are abstemious because they like to get up early to watch the sun rise while they sing praises to the bounty of solar power. A windy day is a bonus.

But then, of course, I knew, having got another flash of pure inspiration; the Greens are the aliens. This explains why they know about extincted planets. They came from them.

Is there hope for the future of conservative human minds? Probably not. Though, given the ABC’s small and dwindling audience, it will not be so much mind replacement. It will be the insidious mind moulding of the very young, the callow and the gullible which is going on day after day, week after week, year after year, by those whose minds have been replaced. Pretty soon everyone will know that two plus two makes whatever the left wants it to make.

Truth will become our evil and rapacious forbears, invasion day, and stolen generations. The malign influence of religion (Christian that is) and the traditional family and the one per cent will be set against the benign influence of government. Australia Day will be replaced by an annual apology day and Anzac Day by world government day.

On reflection, in this future world, it might be best to hope a pod is lying around and let the glass slip out of your hand as you fall asleep in front of Ms Phillips reading the news.

Peter Smith

Peter Smith, a frequent Quadrant Online contributor, is the author of Bad Economics