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October 09th 2012 print

Philippa Martyr

How to offend Julia Gillard

Union ripoff artists, dirty texters, a brothel buff on the cross-bench and whispering catalysts for an Australia Day race riot don't ruffle the PM in the least. But point out her tolerance for crooks, sleaze and spivs and the shrieks will be deafening

Today in Parliament, Julia Gillard very obligingly gave us a guide on how to offend her. Here’s how:

  • say her father died of shame
  • say that abortion is the easy way out
  • imply that she’s a liar
  • stand next to a sign saying "Ditch the Witch"

Fair enough. Admittedly, I was a tad surprised to find out just how easy it was to offend Julia Gillard. I thought she was tough and was beating those mean and nasty men of Parliament at their own game; apparently not.

But perhaps she’s tougher than we think. Here’s a list of ways in which, thus far, it has proven impossible to offend Julia Gillard:

  • call lady bits by offensive names when sexting Commonwealth employees
  • steal hundreds of thousands of workers’ money via a union slush fund
  • use union money to pay for prostitutes and lavish curry dinners
  • have an affair with a married man
  • make racist comments about your builders and renovators
  • stab a duly elected Prime Minister in the back because you’re worried about the opinion polls
  • let your staffers stir up a riot of protesters on Australia Day to attack the Opposition leader
  • waste a generous surplus at a time of economic crisis
  • cite Bruce Springsteen as your economic guru in a cringe-making video
  • lie about introducing a carbon tax to save your financial bacon because you’ve spent all the money you inherited
  • sell the soul of your 100-year-old political party for a mess of Green pottage (gluten-free, hallucinogenic and with no nutritional content whatsoever)
  • use any means necessary to preserve your one-seat majority in a hung parliament

Philippa Martyr blogs at Transverse City