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March 09th 2009 print

John Izzard

Life on Earth #3

HERE:

Prime Minister Kevin Rudd’s The Monthly essay, whereby he morphed from being a social conservative into a social democrat, hasn’t lost its puff. Malcolm Turnbull thought both Mr Rudd, and his wife, a bit rich. While News Limited reported the PM’s wife earned $1.4 million this year from investments, the Canberra Times noted the PM was going to crack down on “fat cat” salaries. The Governor General, Quentin Bryce, has entered the political game by undertaking a head-hunting expedition to Africa seeking votes from Ethiopia, Mozambique, Zambia, Tanzania and Kenya for Kevin Rudd’s bid for a seat on the UN Security Council. Our last attempt at getting the great democracies of the world to vote for an Australian seat resulted in just one vote… Australia’s. Still no news on how the 300 bureaucrats, who went on a government-funded wellbeing course, fared*. 

THERE: 

Queensland Premier Bligh got the wind up when Cyclone Hamish promised record damage. She threatened to postpone the state election if things got bad. Water started to flow into Lake Eyre. The Australian reported that of the 637 staff on the Australian Crime Commission, only 15 were actually investigators while 150 were listed as in PR, media and parliamentary staff and corporate. The article said that there were just 15 full-time trained sleuths to investigate organised crime around the whole country. Sometime visiting celebrity lawyer and ex-pat Geoffrey Robertson floated his own version of a Bill of Rights for Australia. Its first Article was “freedom from slavery” which sent the nations’ slave traders running in all directions. His suggestion for Article Four was “No one shall be compelled to work except by order of a court”. Article Seventeen calls for the “Right to Wellbeing”. See previous paragraph*. 

EVERYWHERE: 

A NASA rocket carrying a carbon-detecting spy-satellite exploded awfully high sending an unknown amount of carbon and other pollutants into the atmosphere. Undeterred some global-warming enthusiasts claimed that global warming sceptics were suffering from a mental disorder. In England a climate change protestor threw green custard over Lord Mandelson. He said, “Thank God it wasn’t paint”. Record freezing snaps are causing delays and postponements to global warming protests and demonstrations. In Georgia (USA) a man was arrested for trying to break into a jail while a Detroit man was also arrested for asking a policeman for a hug. A Canadian man was sprayed with pepper for asking a border guard to say “please”. In Spain a Chilean man with a broken leg was arrested for drug smuggling. His plaster cast was made of cocaine.