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September 18th 2012 print

Michael Kile

But will it get the green out?

Supermarket shelves already laden with green-themed products are seeing yet another Gaia-friendly cleaning agent, this one fortified with a hefty measure of bovine byproduct


Earth First©: Take a moment to think about all that our Earth has provided you. Think of how much you owe future generations. Be inspired to make better and greener choices. Reduce your carbon footprint today. Take the Earth First© way.


OPERATING INSTRUCTIONS FOR LAUNDERING VERY SMELLY STUFF

1. Remove Dirt

Remove as much dirt as possible before washing. If toxic, wear protective clothing and face-mask or nose peg.

Earth First Everyday Sanctimonia© or Ultra Angst© is best for stubborn stains.

Guaranteed to clean up any bio-mess, especially from aggravated mayhem, ancient matters, black caviar, bleating banks, booby traps, boomerang mud*, brain drains, carbon footprints, chattering classes, climate scares, country fairs, crony capitalism, death spirals, denialist dirt, diddly-squat, fear-mongering, flip-flops, green drivel, hockey-pokey, hyperbolic tripe*, irreconcilable differences, lived experiences, long bows, evil foes, manic mogulitis*, mindless mantras, price gouging, pussy riots, quantitative easing, quack juices, singing gooses, slippery slopes, special pleadings, spiteful rubbish, smoke screens, primal screams, shark attacks, messy facts, useful idiots and vested interests.

Add Earth First Crocodile Tears© for best results with asylum antics, barbed-wire canoes, blame games, canny communists, credibility gaps, dodgy diversions, gender benders, grubby politics, phoney ideas, proletariat pogroms, pull factors, pyrrhic victories, shades of grey, silly sniggers, toxic tweets, totalitarian tendencies, transforming moments, unfortunate episodes, weather woes, winter breaks and Whyalla whines.

SOAK OVERNIGHT FOR TOUGH STAINS

*Mogulitis, n. 1. A sudden inflammation of the brain or ego, causing confusion, teeth-grinding, rage or apoplexy. Common among members of a political class; constellating when they are mentioned in media owned, or about to be acquired by, a mogul. 2. No known remedy. Love-thy-billionaire therapy may bring temporary relief. Extreme cases may require a cerebral mogulectomy. 3. Origin: From Mogul, a member of the Muslim dynasty of Indian emperors; an important or powerful person.

*Mud, n., 1. A soft deposit that forms on moist ground, generally after rain. Frequently occurs at bottom of ponds, in carbon sinks, parliamentary chambers, etc. 2. Slander or defamation. 3. Boomerang mud: “It’s the kind of mud you chuck that whirls around and just comes back and hits you in the face.” (Prime Minister Gillard, March 18th, 2012).

*Tripe, n. 1. Stomach lining of a non-carbon accredited ruminant, such as an ox or cow, prepared for cooking. 2. Informal: something silly, rubbish.

2. Empty Pockets

Empty all pockets of Abel Tasmans, bus tickets, Brussels clouts, cane toads, carbon credits, chewing gum, clear air, collateralised cons, crazy cobras, crafty claims, done deals, donkey votes, share quotes, eye candy, fugitive emissions, humungous humbugs, fish and fowl, jelly babies, knick-knacks, kick-backs, loose change, nut jobs, pants ants, petty ploys, plan Bs, prehensile pythons, political pies, protection visas, red herrings, safe bets, extreme threats, tipping points, toothless tigers, trouser snakes, stock options, union dues, useful clues, weasel words and wild cards.

3.  Add Earth First Carbon Con© detergent

This is a new product from Earth First©: Garden safe, potassium-based and Carbon Neutral.

Ensure your purchase is genuine. Look for a Commonwealth Carbon Con (CCC) Seal of Approval on the packet.

One FREE Carbon Con Credit (CCC) with every purchase made before 31 August, 2013, or date of next election.

Avoid spilling on machine as this may affect wealth rinse and impede economic recovery.

Normal Load – Light soiling: 2 Heaped Tablespoons

Large Load – Heavy Soiling: 3 Heaped Tablespoons plus

                                                  1 Teaspoon of Alarming Essence of Flannisonica.

4. Add Fluffy Green Softener.

Add Earth First Eco-Fluff© and generous amount of Everyday Sanctimonia©.

CRUELTY FREE: CCF Accredited and Vegan. 95% Recycled Packaging. No busy bankers, Liberal stinkers, day traders or wetlands waders used in product manufacture.

WASH WATER SAFE: Grey Water & Septic Safe.

NON-TOXIC: NO Petrochemicals. NO Bleach.

SOURCED FROM NATURE: Plant based formula. Reduce chemical waste & pollution!

5. Load Clothes

Do not overload. Check to ensure all proletariat pockets have been picked and are empty.   See 2.

6. Close Lid

7. Select Wash Cycle Required

(a) White Wash

(b) Green Wash

(c) Red Wash

(d) Colours

(e) (Shades of) Grey Wash

8. Insert Coins Carbon Credits into Slide

9. Push Slide in Gently

10. When All Lights are Out and Economy has Stopped, Remove Clothes and Carbon Price.

11. Washing Time Required for Laundering Earth’s Atmosphere

Fifty years to one thousand years, or longer.

12. Spin, baby, spin!

Spin, n., 1. Act of causing a spinning or a whirling motion. 2. Spinning motion given to a ball, wheel, axle, or other object. 3. Downward movement or trend, especially one that is sudden, alarming, etc. 4. Rapid run, ride, drive, etc., as for exercise or enjoyment: 5. Slang: a particular viewpoint or bias, especially in the media; slant.

WARNINGS:

Overloading machines overloads performance; reduces efficiency and productivity; and increases unemployment, unhappy chappies and baby’s nappies.

IF SWALLOWED, rinse MOUTH thoroughly with ANTI-SCEPTIC SOLUTION. Drink 1-2 glasses to dilute and visit your family GP or minister of your nearest GREENER MY GOD TO THEE diocese.

ALWAYS KEEP LID CLOSED to avoid absorption of DENIALIST BILE.

ALWAYS FOLLOW GREEN INSTRUCTIONS.

Turn off appliances at the power point.

Environmental formulas are developed for everyday angst. They may not be compatible with all temperaments. Sufferers with advanced high anxiety should seek medical advice before using Earth First products.

ECO-SENSITIVE TIPS:

Wash hands after use. People with sensitive skin who are allergic to cat saliva and climate change should avoid contact with the powder or wash solution. KEEP OUT OF REACH OF CHILDREN.

LaundroMate recommends Earth First© products for less wear-and-tear on the Environment and Mummy’s hands. Try 2X Ultra Angst Loader laundry concentrate today.

At Earth First©, our motivation is based on a philosophy of creating environmentally responsible products, of the best quality, at the lowest possible price. Not only to make them more readily affordable to Australian families, but to actually reward and provide incentive for people to do the right thing, in protecting our planet – and make the important shift to more eco-sensitive alternatives.

JUST STOP AND THINK: OTHERS MAY WISH TO USE THIS PLANET AFTER YOU.

EARTH FIRST©: DO THE RIGHT THING TODAY!

 

© Michael Kile, September 2012

Disclosure Statement: The author does not work for, consult to, own shares in or receive funding from any company or organisation that would benefit from this article. He has no relevant affiliations, except as author of the Devil’s Dictionary of Climate Change. He is a graduate of the University of Western Australia and two other universities.