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February 03rd 2011 print

Pat Beale

PIGS Inquiry

Research by a group of eminent scientists has identified that time is accelerating. For some time there has been growing suspicion that the years are passing more quickly.The UN has intervened and established a Panel (Inter-governmental) on Global Speeding (PIGS) to examine the crisis on an international level.

Global speeding

I feel an obligation to alert readers to a looming crisis. Shortly WikiLeaks will reveal a secret that has been kept from the public by world governments for fear of the consequential panic. Research by a group of eminent scientists has identified that time is accelerating. For some time there has been growing suspicion that the years are passing more quickly. This has been particularly noted by numbers of senior scientists who, in their retirement, have time to devote to its study. Of great concern however is the realization that this speeding is not uniform. It has been observed that third-world nations are moving less quickly and that some may be going backwards. There is a growing fear that the world could be ripped apart. 

Leading Greens have been discretely advised of the crisis. An ex US vice-president is presently scripting a movie on the issue to be titled ‘An Inappropriate Time’ wherein a baseball bat will substitute for the hockey stick. This movie will be released at a time to allay public fears. The Greens suspect that the cause may lie in the proliferation of digital clocks. They note that while all other means of recording time had some degree of human involvement, the digital clock simply flicks over the passing seconds. How, ask the Greens, can we be sure they are not flicking them quicker than they should? They are soon to pressure world governments to introduce ‘alternative time’ – a compulsory return to the hourglass and sun dial. They will also demand ‘time sequestration’, the deep burial of all digital clocks and the imposition of a Time Tax to pay for it. While they are presently refusing to accept the alternative of atomic clocks, which they fear may melt, they may be obliged to reconsider their position. 

The UN has intervened and established a Panel (Inter-governmental) on Global Speeding (PIGS) to examine the crisis on an international level. PIGS flew straight into action with the following initiatives: 

  • That the less threatening title of ‘temporal dilation’ be introduced.
  • That any skepticism be squashed by referring to recalcitrants as ‘time wasters’ and as ‘stooges of the evil multi-national consortium of Seiko and Rolex’.
  • To commission an obscure UK university to undertake research and responsibility for the problem on its behalf. 

In a stunning development WikiLeaks will shortly release a number of email messages it has liberated from the university that reveal its scientists have come to a very different conclusion as to the cause of global speeding. They believe it may be extra-terrestrial and probably from the backwash of a power struggle between rival Time Lords in a galaxy far far away. A spokesperson for the scientists has categorically claimed that they are 90% positive they may just possibly be right in this assessment. They are still determining whether the consequences will be that Gaia will accelerate to a terminal speed at which mankind will float away into space or if all persons will spin at increasing velocity with the inevitable vulgar result.