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April 02nd 2009 print

someone called "Tom"

What happens to Kevin Rudd?

A reader replies to William York. Copy of letter supplied to Quadrant Online courtesy Patrick McCauley.

[Copy of letter supplied to Quadrant Online courtesy Patrick McCauley]

Dear William York,

Great to hear from you and thanks for the tip with regard to the overbooking of nuclear power plants. I am told the timewarp bottle should work in reverse thereby allowing you to system restore. Could we install ‘rebel’ nuclear power stations or even coal fired power stations in secret locations? At the very least we need to be able to recharge our IPods. If the submarines leased from the American Navy are decommissioned, how can they continue to make electricity? Or do you mean they are decommissioned with regard to nuclear weapons but not from the production of electricity? What are the lease arrangements? And can they still actually sail away or are they permanently moored at the Williamstown naval dockyard?

Sorry to hear about the pies and pastries – we can freeze a good supply in liquid nitrogen and hide them in the sperm banks if you wish? God knows we have a plethora of sperm banks now that most of our men have chosen to live their lives as male lesbians. Did history actually record the massacre carried out by the ‘Garno Cult’ at the Yallourn power station? They say it was performed by an aboriginal bikie gang. They said that ‘the land told them to do it’. Unfortunately our ability to innovate has been severely reduced due to illiteracy. Almost an entire generation of our children have been decimated by an epidemic of Attention Deficit Disorder and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. We are treating them with amphetamines but we still cannot make the laptops go fast enough to innovate.

The Unknown Shareholder lives right above my bedroom and accesses the New York Stock Exchange every morning at six o’clock. She weighs 150 kilograms and goose steps down her hall waking me with a roll across the wooden floor in a computer chair loaded like a freight train. Can you tell me when she is due to disappear or die? She has recently planted two thousand trees and banned all hooven animals from our co-operative farm thereby allowing the grass to grow to a height of two meters. I’m worried about the fire danger, but she tells me that her cousin Cheryl, who is doing a PhD at Footscray TAFE on ‘The Genocide Against Bushfires’, says that fire is good for the land. Now that plants and animals have been accorded full human rights, hell, nobody would dare kill a bushfire.

Once again, thanks for the letter, it’s a real buzz to hear from the future. I’m so glad to hear that Australia will eventually experience an extraordinary recovery. Congratulations. By the way, what happens to Kevin Rudd?

Kind regards,

Tom